It's Been A While

My poor blog has been neglected for far too long. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just that I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a cohesive and thoughtful essay.

With the impending arrival of our son, I've gone back and forth between excitement and total panic.

I'm excited to have the chance to enjoy another newborn. When Lilah was born I was so nervous about every grunt, giggle or fart that I didn't have a chance to sit back and enjoy her. I wasn't prepared for the work that comes with breastfeeding. There were times where I felt like a prisoner in my own home, chained to the couch with a newborn at my breast. It felt like I would just get done nursing her, burping her, and changing her and we would have to start the process all over again. I couldn't remember the last time I had showered, or brushed my teeth. And daytime television is a nightmare.

That time in my life feels so blurry. I know it happened, but I can't push past the fog of exhaustion to bring any one memory into focus.

I'm hopeful that this time around will be a little bit easier. I think I'll be more prepared because I've done it already. Now that I've lived through it, people tell me that Lilah was an unusual newborn and very high maintenance. Hopefully, this little guy will let me get a little bit more sleep and will be content to spend a few minutes in his swing or on the boppy.

Along with the excitement comes this feeling of doom. I'm not so naive as to think that two kids only means twice the work. I'm sure it means 100 times the work. I'm worried about the impact this will have on Lilah. I know that adjusting to a new sibling will take some time for her, but I'm also worried about what it will do to our relationship. She is a Momma's girl through and through, and I selfishly don't want that to change. I like that I'm the one she goes to for comfort, or follows me through the house, mimicking everything I do. I'm worried that she'll feel like I don't have time for anymore, or that she'll feel replaced.

I guess I just want my world to be perfect, and to somehow find the time to be the best parent to both my children.

Our Journey to a Restful Night

I normally don't discuss controversial topics on my blog. I don't want this page to turn into someone's platform. I just want it to be a place where I can brag about my girl, or share a yummy recipe.

That being said, Jeff and I decided to try the 'Cry It Out' approach to Lilah's bedtime routine.

Earlier this month we decided to make a change in our daycare situation. Heather was a great babysitter, but her location wasn't ideal. I left the house 40 minutes before work and got home closer to 6:00p.m. Couple that with frequent nighttime feedings, and I was exhausted.

Our good friend Sonja recommended her daycare provider. Her name is Sally. She's English and has been doing daycare all her working life. We went to check out her home, and it looks more like a preschool than a residence. At most she has 14 children, and two helpers. She lives in town and will be relocating to a block away from our work next month. That will cut my commute time by 35 minutes, and we'll only have to gas up the Rav once every two weeks instead of once or twice a week.

We liked everything about the daycare we chose, except that Lilah wasn't taking naps. At first I figured it was because she was in a new place and was trying to adjust. Since she wasn't napping, she was coming home overtired and cranky. She was waking in the night at least 3 or 4 times just wanting to comfort nurse. Of course all of this was happening while Jeff was away in training, so there was no chance for us to take shifts.

I asked Jeff to stop by the bookstore on his way out of Reno and pick up anything he could find on an easy way to get this kid to sleep. The books he came home with were great, but they seemed to be geared more toward the mothers who were able to stay at home and implement these practices 24 hours a day.

That night, Lilah was awake 3 times. She and I had matching rings under our eyes when we woke up the next morning. I just hit a wall. The last month or so has been challenging with Lilah not sleeping, my back not being quite healed yet, my boss anxious for me to be the Assistant she had before I became a mother...I had just had enough. I knew if I wanted to be a good wife and mommy, then I needed to get some real rest.

That morning for naptime I nursed Lilah, cuddled with her and then placed her in her crib awake. She cried....she screamed....she got that awful hiccup that every girl knows makes us feel like we aren't getting enough oxygen.

We checked on her at 5 minutes, then at 10, and again at 15....until 80 minutes later there was nothing but blessed silence.

The afternoon nap was the same, except she only cried for 40 minutes.

That evening, it only took 15 minutes and she slept for a 6 hour stretch. She hasn't done that she she got her first set of vaccinations.

It's been 5 days since we started this technique, and she fusses for 5 minutes and then she's off in dreamland. The night before last I didn't hear a peep out of her until 5:00a.m.

I'm sure a lot of mommies out there are wondering how I could just let my baby scream like that. My answer is - it wasn't easy, but it wasn't heartbreaking either. Lilah is of an age that she knows her mommy and daddy are only a room away. She had been fed, cuddled and had a clean diaper. She was just spitting mad and had no other way to express herself.

I now know that I have given her a valuable tool. She will no longer have to rely on me to nurse herself to sleep. She will eventually be able to take naps at daycare and come home well rested and ready to spend her evening playing with her parents.

There were many times in that first hour that I thought I was doing the wrong thing. I almost gave up and went and picked her up several times. I am so glad that Jeff and I stuck to our guns. It's hard to teach our kids a lesson, but Lilah is proving to be a quick study and I'm already feeling more energetic. More energy means more time playing on the floor with my girl, or cleaning the bathroom that's been neglected for far too long.

I never thought I would be the type of mommy to use this kind of sleep training. But, I'm glad I did and I'm sure we'll use it on the next baby when we fill that he or she is ready for it.

Motherhood

Speaking as a 7 month vet, motherhood is wonderful. It comes with it's challenges, just like anything worth doing does. But those challenges are much like childbirth. I would do anything in that moment to make it stop whether she's teething, or waking up every hour, but as soon as that tooth pops through or she's finally slept longer than 60 minutes I've quickly forgotten how hard that particular phase was, or she gives me her patented 'I'm cute and worth it' smile and I'm willing to do it all over again.

I love every moment I have with her and dream of one day being able to stay home. I want to spend our days making memories, like going to the park, taking Daisy for a much needed walk, re-reading the same book over and over, baking cookies, or playing dress up. My biggest fear is that she'll one day prefer her babysitter over me, or that I'll miss a really big milestone. But that comes with the territory of being a working mom.

I am in awe of her. She is made up o the best parts of both Jeff adn I and we can't get enough of her. I smother her with my love and kisses every chance I get and if I'm realy lucky I get a hug or she presses herself into my neck and just inhales. Those are the moemnts that make the 2:00a.m. feedings and circles under my eyes all worth it.

Lilah's First Trip to the Lake.

Ever since the weather finally transitioned from freezing to scorching, I've been itching to take Lilah to the lake. As a child I spent many weekends at Antelope Lake with my family. I can remember fishing and swimming the day away. The taste of soft molasses cookies and salami and cheese crackers. Falling asleep on the way home after a long day of so much fun and sun.

And I want Lilah to have the same memories.

My parents have a boat now, so we were able to find a private spot with a nice beach and shade. Lilah spent the day being loved on by her parents and grandparents, smelling the smells of the woods and the water, listening to the animals rustling through the brush, tasting sand and taking a cool dip in the lake. Not bad for her first trip the the lake.

5 Months

It's been 5 short months since our little girl entered the world. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. It seems like she has made everything so much more. I'm noticing things that I didn't notice before, as I watch her take it all in, and boy does she. Her little brain is a sponge, just soakin' it all in, and I'm always trying to think of different ways to stimulate that little noggin of hers.

She had her well-baby check up last week and she weighed in at 14lbs, .05oz and 24 and a quarter inches. She's a shorty like her mommy. This appointment included another round of shots which didn't make for a happy baby, but she took them like a champ and thankfully didn't get a fever, she was just very restless that night.

Like every month, this month was full of firsts for her. She has mastered rolling and is even starting to try to get up on her knees. We can't leave her on a blanket on the floor and expect her to be there when we get back. I caught her going for a cord the other day. It must be time to really start baby-proofing this place.

She has started solids, and she loves them. So far she's had yams, green beans, peas, apples, apricots and squash. I'm making the food for her, it's much cheaper and we know exactly what's in it. And she is not picky at all. If she thinks it's grown up food, than it must be good! Yams are still her favorite though.

She's still not sleeping through the night and has recently taken to waking at 3:00a.m. to play. No matter what I do, lights off, no talking...nothing works! If I won't talk to her, she'll just talk to herself. And she gets quite vocal if I leave her alone in her crib. Like, wake the daddy loud. This is one phase I can't wait to pass. Oh...and she only does it on the weekdays....go figure!

Every day is a new adventure with her...

And Today Was Perfection

I started feeling a bit nostalgic as I was putting Lilah to sleep. There was nothing but the whir of the fan and her breathy gulps to keep me company as I rocked and rocked and rocked my sweet girl. And it just hit me how today was another one of those days that I'll want to remember forever. I've had this happen several times since Lilah's birth. I know she won't remember her first year on this earth, but I will.

I'll remember waking up at 5:00a.m. because my busy baby wanted to play instead of eat. I'll remember that the Daddy got up with me and made me waffles and hot coffee.

I'll remember finally getting our little one down for a nap, and finally being alone on the couch with my husband, my head in his lap, watching some t.v.

And I'll remember thinking 'It's been forever since it's been like this for us.'

I'll remember Jeff deciding to throw an impromptu bbq and inviting our parents. Firework show included in the driveway.

I'll remember holding Lilah in my lap, cuddled in a blanket while she watched her first firecracker light up the street.

I'll remember the feeling I got sitting in that lawn chair, watching her take it all in. The weight of her body as she snuggled into me. The boo-boo lip that followed an especially loud pop. Watching as her grandparents looked to her with each and every sparkler so they could see her reaction. She is so lucky to be so loved.

I'll remember the way she fit herself into the curve of my neck when she'd had enough excitement for one day and was ready for some shut eye.

I am so glad I get to be her Mommy. I pinch myself every day because I can't believe how lucky I am that she's mine and I'm hers.

Bye-Bye Manolo?

My husband is one of the most generous people I know. If he hears a want of mine, he always tries to make it happen. It might not happen right away, but eventually Jeff finds a way to make it happen. So, I should have known better all those years ago when I told him I wanted a pair of these shoes. They are beautiful, and over the top and way too expensive. And I love them.

The girl in me who is attracted to beautiful, shiny things and used to spend most Saturday nights dancing next to the dj’s speaker immediately wanted to jump up and down when I opened my gift Monday night. I’m not normally a shoe person, but anyone who looks at these shoes can see that they are extravagant. I spent the evening trying them on, imagining what outfits would look good with them, learning how to walk in them, and just enjoying them.

Then morning came and along with it, a crushing guilt. The trouble is I’m not the same girl who can accept a pair of expensive shoes and just enjoy them. Becoming a wife and mommy has changed me. I no longer pine for a pair of Manolo’s and wish I could spend my nights at some swanky club. I spend my evenings parked on the couch nursing my little girl and reconnecting with my hubby. And I am 100% content with my life.

I just kept thinking about how else the money could have been spent and that they were impractical because I spend more time in pajamas than pretty dresses. I agonized all day long about what do to with these shoes. Should I return them? Do I keep them and just relish in their fabulousness when I do get the chance to wear them?

In the end, my practical side won. I told Jeff I wanted to return them. And in doing so, I think I hurt his feelings, and I know I took all the fun out of his gift. He wanted to do something nice for me because he told me I’m a wonderful mommy and wife and I deserve to have nice things. He planned this for years and finally found a pair that he thought I would like and could use for any outfit that I had. I never wanted to make him feel bad, especially when he was so excited to be able to do this for me.

This morning he gave me the return slip and said to at least not wear them outside or I wouldn’t be able to return them.

On the way to the sitter’s I thought about my ‘problem’. I have a husband who is loving and generous and wants to give me the world. Obviously he can’t give me the world, so he gave me an expensive pair of shoes that he knew I would love. Wow. Wouldn’t everyone love to have my problems?

So, I’ve decided to keep my beautiful, over the top, too expensive shoes. I will wear them with pride because my hubby got them just for me. He planned and he shopped and bought the ones that he thought were just right for me. I may not use them every day, I may not use them once a month. But, I will have girl’s nights or anniversary dinners or weddings to attend and I’ll pull these shoes out and feel special. Just like my hubby wanted me to.