Breastfeeding: It's Harder than I Thought

****Caution may be TMI for some****

Lilah is 3 months and 3 days old today. That means that I have been breastfeeding for exactly that long, which is a huge milestone.

I always pictured myself being a champion feeder, and producing so much milk I could feed 10 babies. When I was pregnant, and waiting and waiting to go into labor I would sit in her nursery and imagine a little dark haired baby at my breast just gulping away. I was looking forward to the bonding that breastfeeding would bring to me and my little girl. I thought it would be so easy, just like my pregnancy had been. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I tried to feed Lilah for the first time when she was about 2.5 hours old. Bad move. What I should have done was feed her the moment they handed her to me. But of course, hindsight is 20/20. Jeff and I were so excited and anxious to show her off to all of our family that we asked them to come in as soon as we were both cleaned up. I should have taken some time to at least get the baby to latch on. Now, I know better.

When I finally did get a moment to try it out, I couldn't get her to latch right. I had family members in the room and felt very self conscious to let them see that part of my anatomy. My mom told them it wasn't a good time, but they walked right in....what are you gonna do?

Then to my surprise, it turned out I had flat nipples. Before that day, I had no clue such a thing existed. I had never really paid much attention to other women's nipples, and thought that everybody's looked like mine did. Add that to the time wasted after she was first born, and then she couldn't latch because there was nothing for her to hang on to.

I was feeling hormonal from having given birth only hours before, not to mention very guilty because I couldn't feed my baby. So, I let the nurses talk me into giving her a bottle of formula. Knowing what I know now, and understanding breastfeeding is all about supply and demand, I realize that was a big mistake as well, especially with all of the research that I've done since then. Newborn babies aren't meant to hold that much in thier tummies. She didn't need to eat that much on her first few days of life, and I was risking nipple confusion when I already had confusing nipples!

When we got our newborn home and attempted to breastfeed it didn't seem to satisfy her, and then we would give in and give her formula. By then I was exhausted, frustrated and almost ready to just give in and feed her with formula. I would just sit there and cry while my baby screamed and screamed when I would try to give her my breast.

Four days after delivery my milk finally came in and there wasn't very much. I believe it's because I wasn't feeding her as much as I should have been from the very beginning. I found myself looking online for ways to increase my milk supply. I was bad about eating in the beginning. I didn't have time to eat when I was chained to the couch dealing with a fussy, hungry newborn and at that time, my body craved sleep more than food. I had to force myself to put her down and eat and Jeff would make me something if I remembered to ask.

I found myself eating oatmeal because I had heard it could help my supply. I hate oatmeal. Now I eat one to two packets a day, and I've grown accustomed to it. I went to the health store and bought fenugreek, which made me and the baby smell like maple syrup. But combined with the oatmeal, extra fluids, more rest, and time, Lilah seemed to be satisfied after a feeding.

I didn't think that the three of us would survive that first month. I know it wouldn't have been a big deal for her to be a formula baby but I just wanted to give her the very best, and I believe it's breastmilk. I give Jeff a lot of credit for putting up with my mood swings and worry. He has been a big help and has supported my efforts from the very beginning.

It is so satisfying watching Lilah grow and gain weight and to know that my body is still supporting her development. Breastfeeding was an uphill battle for us but it was worth it. I go back to work on Wednesday and I may have to supplement with formula during the hours that I'm away from her, but I plan to continue to breastfeed her for as long as I can.

As silly as it sounds, I can't wait until the next baby comes along. Now I'm a little bit more knowledgable about feeding my babies and I hope it will go much smoother. That first hour after birth will be for family bonding and feeding, no formula will be given unless the Dr. feels it's necessary, and I know about my nipple issue and there are steps I can take before birth to make sure the baby is able to latch.

Tick Tock

There's a clock ticking in my head and each day the ticking gets louder. My maternity leave is coming to an end this month and I am heartbroken. I will never have this much uninterrupted time with my Lilah ever again. I'm sure the next time I get to spend 12 weeks with her will be when the next little Honea graces our home, and by then she'll be more toddler, less baby, and no longer an only child.

I worry so much. I don't worry about the quality of care she'll be receiving because I know it will never be what I want it to be since it won't be coming from me. I worry that she'll wake up from her nap wanting her mommy and I won't be there. I'll be at my stupid job, filing some stupid piece of paper. I worry that she'll think I'm never coming back and that I've abandoned her.

I soak in every smile, every cuddle. I'll be spending more time at my job than I will with my baby. I'm going to miss so many 'firsts'. She changes and learns something new every day and I won't be there to cheer her on.

I keep looking at our finances, trying to figure out a way to make it work if I stay home. I try to rationalize not needing electricity, or cutting back on our cable bill. What if we sold the little car? Who really needs to eat three meals a day?

But, in the end I have to remind myself that in this day and age and in this 'economic climate', it's not only my job to nurture Lilah, it's also my job to support her financially. Oh, but how I wish things could be different for our family.

Loving Lilah

Loving Lilah comes as natural as breathing to me. She is the sweetest thing in my life, and I have fallen hard. I spend my days feeding her, playing with her, simply absorbing everything she does.

I'll admit I was worried during my pregnancy. I've never thought of myself as a maternal person. I did well around babies and small children, but I was only around them for short periods of time. I worried that I wouldn't have that instant connection with my little one. Every mommy talks about that moment when thier child is placed in thier arms, they make eye contact and BAM! Instant unconditional love. What if I didn't like being a mommy?

My worries were put to the rest the day after I gave birth to my daughter. I remember while she was eating, looking down at her and just feeling so full of an overpowering, all encompassing love. It was the most intense feeling I've ever experienced and 9 weeks later I'm still feeling it.

Being Lilah's mommy is easy. Not because she's a perfect baby. There's no such thing. But because I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything. I don't feel like I'm missing out if my girlfriends go see a movie. I'd rather be at home with my girl. I do like to get out every now and again, but most times I take her along with me.

There are times where I have a screaming, wiggling infant demanding my attention and I want to pull out my hair, the dishes aren't done, and there's a pile of laundry on the couch in need of folding. In those moments, I'm praying for a break, but later, when the house is quiet and I get a moment to think, I remind myself that she won't always be this little, her cry won't always sound so small, and she won't always want a snuggle from her mommy, so I'd better soak it up now.

Lilah Grace's Arrival

At my last doctor's appointment I was 1 week overdue with no dialation or effacement. I was feeling pretty discouraged since we left that appointment with an induction scheduled for Wednesday the 3rd. I just wasn't thinking that I would have a February baby.

Saturday evening I started having some mild cramping. It wasn't anything to take note of, and the pains weren't regular. I figured they were just braxton hicks because they went away after a while.

The next day Jeff and I went grocery shopping. I bought a bunch of food to make casseroles and dinners I could freeze since I was supposed to be having a baby on Wednesday. Being the procrastinator that I am, I put off actually cooking everything for Monday since Jeff would be at work and I would be home alone with nothing to do. I had some cramping on and off again, but it wasn't any worse than a menstrual cramp and I figured it was my visit to the grocery store that made things uncomfortable.

Around 6:00p.m. my back started hurting. There again, I didn't think anything of it because lower back pain is just another part of being 41 weeks pregnant. I went out to my parent's house and got in the hot tub for a while, hoping to ease my discomfort. On the way home I started cramping again, this time the pains were sharper, but every time I timed them they were 15-20 minutes apart so I figured they were just braxton hicks again.

The rest of the evening went by uneventfully. Jeff made me dinner and we watched some episodes of The Office on Netflix. I went to bed around 10:00 because the pains were still coming, but again, they weren't regular and they weren't enough to make me say 'ow'.

After an hour and a half of laying in bed up to get in the shower. The water seemed to bring me some relief, the only problem was that I would run out of hot water after about 20 minutes. I kept alternating between the shower and taking a bath, all the while I was cramping off and on.

Jeff finally went to bed around 1:00a.m. That's when I got on the computer and went to the contraction master website. I started timing my pains, but they were so sporadic that I thought for sure it couldn't be true labor, even though they were starting to get more intense.

A couple hours later I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was losing my plug. I think at this point I was in denial because I was still telling myself that I wasn't in labor and I would be pregnant until Wednesday! I decided to try to ignore the pains, which were getting so intense I was having a hard time walking through them.

I crawled into bed around 4:15a.m., and at 4:30 Jeff woke up to me curled in a ball whimpering. He asked me if I thought we should go to the hospital, and after another contraction hit, he decided it was time to go.

Jeff gathered our bags while I got dressed and phoned my mom to tell her it might be baby time. As we were driving the 4 minute drive to the hospital, I had another contraction. This one was so intense that the moment I got out of the car I leaned into the door and vomited in the parking lot. After that there was no doubt in my mind that I was in labor.

After we got some paperwork signed we went to Labor and Delivery. I changed into a gown and they hooked me up to the monitors. Lilah was doing fine and my contractions were coming every 4 minutes apart. They weren't registering very high in intensity. They were only peaking at a six or seven, and I've heard of women having contractions that are off the charts. The nurse mentioned that they may send me home depending on my progress, since they had another woman scheduled for an induction that day, and someone else was already in labor in the room next door. I did not want to go home! The last thing I wanted to do was leave that hospital without my baby.

The nurse checked me, and promptly announced that I wasn't going anywhere because I was dialted to a 5! I was so excited because that meant I was halfway there, and I had labored at home, which is what we wanted. I didn't want to be at the hospital longer than I needed to be. I also told myself I wanted to make it to a 5 before I asked for the epidural. So as soon as she told me how much I had progressed, I asked for the epi. I didn't actually get it until about an hour later because they had to call in the anesthesiologist, and get my IV going with a bag of something to keep me hydrated.

After Joel, the epidural man gave me my medicine, it was smooth sailing. Jeff and I spent our time visiting with our parents and keeping our siblings and friends updated by texting them. Around 10:00 my parents left to go get something to eat. My nurse came in to check me and I was at a 9. I couldn't believe how quickly it had gone by and it was almost time to push! That's when things slowed down. I was checked again around 12:00 and was still stuck at 9 centimeters. Our nurse called the Dr., and suggested Pitocen. I was okay with it since I'd had the epidural, and I didn't want to be stuck at 9 for hours on end. It only took an hour for the medicine to work and it was time to push so they called the Dr., who was next door delivering another baby.

Okay, so this is when I started to freak out. I've seen a baby story and watched women who've had epidurals have their babies without so much as a whimper. That was not the case with me. My epidural had started to wear off, and we were waiting on Joel to come and give me a little bit more to get me through the end. I remember I kept asking for Joel and at one point told Jeff that I didn't want to do it anymore. He offered to grab our bags and we could leave. Funny guy! I could feel the pressure and the contractions and I got to the point where I could feel the contraction coming and I would try to not push because it was so uncomfortable. The nurse was having me push to a count of 10 while she and Jeff held my legs and feet for me. I was able to push four times through each contraction. The first 2 pushes were the most painful, but the last two I couldn't feel and were the most effective. Our Dr. came in and soon after there was my epidural man! I've never been so happy to see someone in my entire life! He gave me a booster, but I could still feel the pressure and the burning when her head started to crown. I started to get a little loud, which I am still embarrassed about, and before I knew it her head was out. The Dr. told me to relax....which is just about impossible by the way..and he suctioned her mouth and nose. Jeff said that she started crying then. I pushed one more time and out she came. They plopped her on my belly and she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. People are right, the pain is forgotten as soon as you see your baby.

Now, almost a month later I still can't believe that our little girl is here and that I made it through childbirth. Jeff and I are so blessed and even though she makes us work harder than we ever thought we would, she's worth it.

What's This? Two in One Week?!

As my due date is fast approaching I’ve started thinking about the things I’m going to miss. Don’t misunderstand me, I can’t wait to meet this baby and give my bladder some relief, but there are also things about this pregnancy that I have enjoyed so much.

First, the anticipation. It started with what will it be a boy or a girl, and has evolved into daydreams of her first real smile, her first words and her first steps. And for now, it’s just anticipating her arrival. I filled out my FMLA paperwork for work today, and I couldn’t complete all of it because we don’t know her birthday yet!

I’ll miss feeling her inside me. It’s irritating to try to sleep through her hiccups at two in the morning, but I have loved watching my belly roll and twitch while she tries to find a comfy position to get into. Especially those first few times when I was the only one who could tell it was her. It was like we already had a secret between the two of us.

And, as crazy as it sounds, I’ll miss the belly! I know I’ve complained about it getting in the way, but that’s usually only at night when I’m trying to sleep. I’ve enjoyed being able to wear clingy clothes and have them look okay because my belly is supposed to fill it out. And I’ve found lately that it makes for a great shelf when needed. :)

I know it’s silly, starting to become nostalgic even though I’m still pregnant. I just know that my time is almost up and I’m trying to appreciate every moment of it because who knows how many more chances I’ll have to experience this again?

Two Weeks Left...Oh My!

We only have two weeks left until my estimated due date and things are starting to come together. Jeff has been working on putting together all of her furniture. We actually just received her changing table last night, and he spent two hours putting it together. I picked out some curtains, and my mom helped me hem them.

I didn’t set out to do this…but her room is pink as a princess’s. When I initially started looking at nursery themes I couldn’t find anything I liked, but I knew I didn’t want anything too pink. I found some cute bedding with polka dots and touches of pink. So, what did I accent it with? Pink! Her curtains are pink and white, the cover on the changing table is pink…you get the picture. Well, it was nighttime when we hung her curtains, and when I woke up in the morning, I noticed a pink glow coming from her room! Oh well, it’s still cute!

As far as how I’m feeling…I’m feeling good. I know I keep saying it, but really I don’t have much to complain about. I get up to use the bathroom a lot, and there are times where I feel very tired, and my hands and feet have started to swell. I still haven’t even felt any kicks to the ribs, which I’m surprised about because I have such a short torso. I guess she’s just a shorty one like her mommy.

My last day of work is the 15th, and our coworkers have decided to throw us a baby shower. I’m looking forward to it, because it’s always fun to get stuff for the baby, and there’ll be cake! I’m a little nervous about leaving work for so long, but I’m mostly excited. I can’t wait to spend that time at home getting my nest ready, and then spending time with the baby once she gets here.

So, that’s it for now. My next doctor appointment is Monday, and we’ll see if I’ve made any progress. I’m thinking that she’ll be late, simply because I don’t feel anywhere close to labor. But, hopefully, my next entry will be all about her birth story!

30 Days to Go!

I can't believe it! 30 days, give or take and this baby will be done cookin'!

I'm anxious and excited and feeling very unprepared. I haven't spent much time around newborns, not since Jesse and Sarah were little, and even then I didn't have much to do with midnight feedings and dirty diapers.

Everyone seems to love telling me to soak up the sleep now....and I keep wondering to myself 'what sleep?' Between the thoughts circling in my head at night, the 6-7 trips to the bathroom, the hip pain, and the fight I'm losing with my belly, when am I getting sleep? I don't mean to be a whiner, but jeez I am starting to get uncomfortable. I'm okay during the day. For the most part, things are quiet, I do make several trips to the bathroom, but it's the night time that I have started to dread. I can't seem to catch my breath because baby is pushing on my lungs, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like there's an elephant sitting on my chest because I'm lying on my back!

Christmas shopping this weekend was quite an adventure as well. Never mind the 8 million people that were driving crazy, or pushing through the crowds. I had to overcome bathroom trips, swift kicks or punches to my cervix, and that overall heavy feeling I get lately. I haven't gained much weight, but the way I'm caring, I feel like I've gained 50 lbs. I would walk past two or three stores at the mall and start to get winded. I keep telling Jeff that I don't know how the morbidly obese handle it. I can't wait to get this weight off of me or should I say out of me....just so I can function again.

And now for the good stuff....Jeff finished painting the nursery! It took a month, but it's finally done. We haven't put anything in there yet. I'm waiting until after the holidays to do that. I still want to steam clean the carpet, and that will take a little time for it to dry since it's too cold to open windows. This next pay day is dedicated to ordering curtains and other little odds and ends that will make her room complete. I'm looking forward to having it done, but since we got the bassinet put together, I don't feel like I'm totally unprepared. She won't be sleeping in her room for the first few weeks anyway, so even if I went into labor next week, it wouldn't be a big deal if her room isn't done.

And..we went to our birth class. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was long...and didn't really offer much more new information. It promoted 'natural' childbirth. I was disappointed that they didn't go into more detail about emergency c-sections or different pain relievers. I know that the whole point for the class is to teach you to cope without those things, but the reality is, not everyone will be able to handle the pain. I guess I just felt like they shouldn't push one idea and should at least try to cover the other 'what if's.'

So, now I'm just working on getting through Christmas. I know that sounds bad, but really it's just another milestone for me on my way to babyland. I really couldn't have cared less if we put the tree up or exchanged gifts. It sounds horrible, and my mom likes to tell me I wish my life away, but I just want to meet my little girl already! I'm done waiting!