Liam Kade - A Birth Story

On Friday, May 13th, 2010, I took a pregnancy test and saw two pink lines. Jeff and I weren't actively trying to get pregnant, but welcomed the thought of another baby whenever it happened. Coincidentally, May 13th was the same day we found out we were expecting Lilah, two years earlier.

After we got the positive pregnancy test, I looked at my 15 month old daughter drinking her milk and watching Sesame St. and had a moment of panic. I cried and hyperventilated a little. I wasn't ready for her to not be the 'baby' anymore. She was such a fussy baby in those first few months and I wasn't sure I was ready for all that work and a toddler. Jeff reminded me that she would be much older by the time this baby arrived and I was able to relax and enjoy the moment.

In August we were finally able to schedule the much anticipated gender ultrasound. I was betting on a boy, but I think everyone else thought it would be a girl because Jeff's brother had four daughters before his first son was born. The technician was having a hard time getting the baby to cooperate, but after some prodding and poking he announced that we were having a baby boy. Of course everyone was excited for us, and started talking about having the 'perfect' family.

At my next doctor's appointment I was told that the baby was showing an abnormality with his kidneys. He said they were enlarged, but it was very common in male babies and it would probably be normal by the time he was born. I was sent for a follow up ultrasound, and since it showed no change, we had to be seen by a Specialist in Reno. It was a stressful situation, compounded by the fact that I had been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I was incredibly overwhelmed. My pregnancy with Lilah was text book perfect and I assumed that this pregnancy would be just the same. I only told close family about the baby's kidneys and my Diabetes. I felt like these problems were my fault and I didn't want others judging me.

On January 6th, two weeks before my due date, we had another appointment with the Specialist in Reno. We found out that the baby's kidneys were better, but not 100%. The doctor also noticed that his abdomen was measuring small for his gestational age, and they recommended an induction by 39 weeks.

The following day I had an appointment with my regular OB. He agreed with the Specialist and scheduled an induction for Wednesday, January 11th. I was promptly taken off of work and sent home to rest. I went into full nesting mode. Grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, all the while trying to wrap my head around the fact that a new baby would be in our home in a matter of days.

The day before my scheduled induction I had to go to the hospital for one last ultrasound and non-stress test. I had had three other sessions in the last two weeks. Since the baby was measuring small, they wanted to make sure he was still doing okay. The ultrasound technician was a very bubbly young blonde who promptly announced that my baby was transverse. He was lying sidways, with his back facing the exit. When she found out I was scheduled for an induction the next day, she promptly called my doctor and scheduled me for one last ultrasound, just hours before I was supposed to surrender myself to the hospital.

The doctor called me at home and discussed the possibilities of a c-section if the baby didn't turn in time, or trying to turn him manually, which posed risks as well.

By this time, my stress levels were through the roof. I couldn't believe that this was happening. When I found out we were expecting this baby, I dreamily thought of having a labor similar to Lilah's. Slowly transitioning from one stage to another, until finally, the baby was here. I felt like all of that was being taken away from me and I was doomed for surgery.

At 4:00 p.m., 4 hours before I was scheduled to be at the hospital for my induction, I had one final ultrasound and non stress test. The same bubbily, blonde technician happily announced that the baby had turned on his own! I was so relieved.

Later, we dropped Lilah and her suitcase off with Grandma Honea. I said my goodbye's knowing it wasn't going to be just me and my girl anymore. I was both excited and worried about this transition, but I knew that we would find our groove and Lilah would soon have a best friend who just happened to be her little brother.

I made Jeff take me to Mazatlan Grill for what I jokingly referred to as my last meal. I know it wasn't exactly on the Gestational Diabetes diet, but I figured that the baby only had a few more hours left inutero, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

We drove to the hospital, bags and pillows in hand where we were recieved with warm smiles and exictement. I will say that Banner has the best OB nurses. They have each seen hundreds of babies delivered, but they still treat you and your experience like it's special.

I was quickly given a hospital gown and had an IV started. The plan was to start the induction at 9:00p.m., with Cervadil and a sleeping pill. The doctor would come in the following morning and break my water and I would have the baby sometime that afternoon. Unfortunately, my body had other plans.

The doctor came in very early in the morning to check my progress, but my cervix had done nothing since I'd been given the medicine. I was only 1 centemeter dilated, and he needed me to be at least 3 to break my water. The decision was made to give me another Cervadil and the doctor would check on me later in the day.

The Cervadil made me crampy, but I wasn't having what I would call contractions. They were located in one area, and just felt like pressure. The nurses were checking on me rather frequently and we later found out that the baby wasn't tolerating the contraction's the way they wanted. They had me eat a snack and gave me some fluid to hydrate me and he started doing much better.

Around 4:00 p.m., the doctor came to check me. I was in a lot of pain at that point, but it still didn't feel like a regular contraction. The worst part was that I was hooked up to all the monitors and they needed me in one position so they could get a read on how the baby was doing. When the doctor checked me, Jeff and I were both disappointed to be told that there was no change in my cervix and I was still stuck at 1. The nurses had warned me about failed inducitons and I thought they would send me home. The doctor suggested not giving me any more medicine and letting me eat a regular dinner, and getting rest and he would try again first thing in the morning. Jeff and I agreed, and Jeff left to get me some dinner. He even smuggled me in some cookies. I think he could tell I was starting to get upset over all that was happening.

We spent a restless night in the hospital, and even heard another baby being born. Very early in the morning, the doctor came and placed another Cervidil near my cervix. He left and I began again with my 'non contraction' contractions.

Around 12:30 that afternoon the doctor came to check my progress. I was at a three. Finally! He broke my water and that was a painful and surprisingly embarrassing experience. I never felt my water break with my last delivery, and it felt like I was wetting the bed and I had zero control over it.

The started the Pitocen and we were in full swing. I asked for my epidural, since I was told the epidural man would be working in a surgery and wouldn't be available until later. He was a friendly guy and soon I was leaning against Jeff while he was sticking a huge needle in my back. I had a contraction while he was working on me and my water went everywhere. On the bed, on floor, possibly on Jeff's shoes. It was hard not to move, but the doctor kept warning me over and over again to stay still. I felt the medicine go down my back, but I knew something was wrong because I only felt it travel down one leg. I told the doctor and he had me lay on one side, hoping gravity would help move the medicine to where it needed to be.

An hour later, the medicine still wasn't blocking the pain on one side. It almost felt worse since the pain was localized to my right side. The anesthesiologist came to check on me and brought a different guy to attempt a second epidural. Before this, my nurse checked my cervix and I was still at a 3.

Once again I was propped up, leaning into Jeff as they replaced my epidural. I think it was around 3:00p.m. at this point and the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. Again, I only felt the medicine travel down one leg. The guy was stumped and again had me lay on my side to encourage the medicine to work with gravity. It didn't work and by this time I was having one contraction on top of another. The medicine eventually stopped working all together and I could feel everything. I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain I was in. Poor Jeff was trying to encourage me, and I told him to shut up. It's not a moment I'm proud of and I could tell I made him angry, but I was just trying desperately to find a 'happy place'. I kept thinking I was only 3 centimeters and there was no way I was going to make it through transition and pushing if it hurt this bad so soon into labor.

The nurse offered to call for another epidural, but I felt like it was pointless and I wasn't confident I would be able to stay still through the procedure. They put me on oxygen and I held both of Jeff's hands and kept eye contact with him through each contraction. I vaguely remember an episode of How I Met Your Mother playing on the t.v.

Around 4:00p.m. I announced to my nurse that I had had enough. I was done. I was physically exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. I think Jeff thought I was asking for a c-section, but I wanted to ask them to turn off the pitocen and give me a chance to contract on my own. I thought the reason I was in so much pain was because of the medicine they were giving me.

As the nurse walked away to call the doctor I told her I could feel pressure. She checked me and I was at 10 centimeters. Hearing that gave me renewed energy because I knew the end was near. She asked me not to push if I could, and ran to call the doctor. So, I panted, and panted, trying hard not to push, and maybe sneaking in a small push here and there just to alleviate the urge to push.

They asked me to move so I was straight on the bed, but I felt like I couldn't manage. At that point the doctor walked in, gowned up and said I was fine where I was. I was given the go ahead to push.....and it felt AMAZING. All the pain was gone. I pushed once, twice, three times and suddenly he was here. They placed him on my belly and I fell in love instantly.

Liam Kade came into this world at 4:21p.m., weighing 7lbs 8oz., hardly the malnourished baby we were expecting.

He was and still is perfect. Our transition from one to two children has had some bumps, but I think we have done very well. Lilah loves her little brother and it's my hope they'll always be close.

While this pregnancy was stressful and full of worry, I'm grateful we have a healthy baby boy and would do it all over again just to have him here.

My Granny died on Friday. It's something I've been trying to prepare myself for since we moved her into a rest home in February of this year. It's been hard, because aside from my mother, she was my biggest fan. Her love has always been unconditional, and freely given. I have such wonderful memories of growing up in her house and surrounded by her love.

I will remember

the way it felt to have her fingers play with my hair. And the tears in her eyes after I chopped it all off when I graduated high school.

picking blackberries at Seneca.

how to make paper dolls.

her patience when she let me play with all of her costume jewelry.

the smell of Virginia Slims on any paperback book she let me borrow.

playing in the gulley in her backyard.

the time she took me to a bulk candy store and let me pick out whatever I wanted.

Calgon in my bathwater.

how she used to catch frogs for me to play with.

how she kept every treasure I ever gave her, and put it in the black pot hanging on her book case.

Horse pills. (vitamins)

flower ballerinas - I can't wait to show Lilah how to do this.

Quilts

watching the hummingbirds on the front porch.

the guilt I felt when I picked one of her flowers...I buried it in the dirt because I couldn't bring myself to tell her I'd done it.

watching the Grand Ole Opry and Mandrell Sisters when I stayed the night.

Her banana bread.

The way she said shit - like it had two syllables instead of one.

How anything purple caught her eye.

How even when I outgrew her lap, she still let me sit next to her, with my head in her lap. I think I did this until I was 16.

But most of all, I'll remember how she loved me. Her eyes lit up when I came in the room, and maybe she was like that with all of her family, but it made me feel special.

After she passed, I had a moment alone with her and I told her I wasn't going to be sad because I knew she was happy and with her sister and Poppa.....and as hard as I'm trying to keep that promise, I'm finding out that I'm a big fat liar.

It's Been A While

My poor blog has been neglected for far too long. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just that I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a cohesive and thoughtful essay.

With the impending arrival of our son, I've gone back and forth between excitement and total panic.

I'm excited to have the chance to enjoy another newborn. When Lilah was born I was so nervous about every grunt, giggle or fart that I didn't have a chance to sit back and enjoy her. I wasn't prepared for the work that comes with breastfeeding. There were times where I felt like a prisoner in my own home, chained to the couch with a newborn at my breast. It felt like I would just get done nursing her, burping her, and changing her and we would have to start the process all over again. I couldn't remember the last time I had showered, or brushed my teeth. And daytime television is a nightmare.

That time in my life feels so blurry. I know it happened, but I can't push past the fog of exhaustion to bring any one memory into focus.

I'm hopeful that this time around will be a little bit easier. I think I'll be more prepared because I've done it already. Now that I've lived through it, people tell me that Lilah was an unusual newborn and very high maintenance. Hopefully, this little guy will let me get a little bit more sleep and will be content to spend a few minutes in his swing or on the boppy.

Along with the excitement comes this feeling of doom. I'm not so naive as to think that two kids only means twice the work. I'm sure it means 100 times the work. I'm worried about the impact this will have on Lilah. I know that adjusting to a new sibling will take some time for her, but I'm also worried about what it will do to our relationship. She is a Momma's girl through and through, and I selfishly don't want that to change. I like that I'm the one she goes to for comfort, or follows me through the house, mimicking everything I do. I'm worried that she'll feel like I don't have time for anymore, or that she'll feel replaced.

I guess I just want my world to be perfect, and to somehow find the time to be the best parent to both my children.

Our Journey to a Restful Night

I normally don't discuss controversial topics on my blog. I don't want this page to turn into someone's platform. I just want it to be a place where I can brag about my girl, or share a yummy recipe.

That being said, Jeff and I decided to try the 'Cry It Out' approach to Lilah's bedtime routine.

Earlier this month we decided to make a change in our daycare situation. Heather was a great babysitter, but her location wasn't ideal. I left the house 40 minutes before work and got home closer to 6:00p.m. Couple that with frequent nighttime feedings, and I was exhausted.

Our good friend Sonja recommended her daycare provider. Her name is Sally. She's English and has been doing daycare all her working life. We went to check out her home, and it looks more like a preschool than a residence. At most she has 14 children, and two helpers. She lives in town and will be relocating to a block away from our work next month. That will cut my commute time by 35 minutes, and we'll only have to gas up the Rav once every two weeks instead of once or twice a week.

We liked everything about the daycare we chose, except that Lilah wasn't taking naps. At first I figured it was because she was in a new place and was trying to adjust. Since she wasn't napping, she was coming home overtired and cranky. She was waking in the night at least 3 or 4 times just wanting to comfort nurse. Of course all of this was happening while Jeff was away in training, so there was no chance for us to take shifts.

I asked Jeff to stop by the bookstore on his way out of Reno and pick up anything he could find on an easy way to get this kid to sleep. The books he came home with were great, but they seemed to be geared more toward the mothers who were able to stay at home and implement these practices 24 hours a day.

That night, Lilah was awake 3 times. She and I had matching rings under our eyes when we woke up the next morning. I just hit a wall. The last month or so has been challenging with Lilah not sleeping, my back not being quite healed yet, my boss anxious for me to be the Assistant she had before I became a mother...I had just had enough. I knew if I wanted to be a good wife and mommy, then I needed to get some real rest.

That morning for naptime I nursed Lilah, cuddled with her and then placed her in her crib awake. She cried....she screamed....she got that awful hiccup that every girl knows makes us feel like we aren't getting enough oxygen.

We checked on her at 5 minutes, then at 10, and again at 15....until 80 minutes later there was nothing but blessed silence.

The afternoon nap was the same, except she only cried for 40 minutes.

That evening, it only took 15 minutes and she slept for a 6 hour stretch. She hasn't done that she she got her first set of vaccinations.

It's been 5 days since we started this technique, and she fusses for 5 minutes and then she's off in dreamland. The night before last I didn't hear a peep out of her until 5:00a.m.

I'm sure a lot of mommies out there are wondering how I could just let my baby scream like that. My answer is - it wasn't easy, but it wasn't heartbreaking either. Lilah is of an age that she knows her mommy and daddy are only a room away. She had been fed, cuddled and had a clean diaper. She was just spitting mad and had no other way to express herself.

I now know that I have given her a valuable tool. She will no longer have to rely on me to nurse herself to sleep. She will eventually be able to take naps at daycare and come home well rested and ready to spend her evening playing with her parents.

There were many times in that first hour that I thought I was doing the wrong thing. I almost gave up and went and picked her up several times. I am so glad that Jeff and I stuck to our guns. It's hard to teach our kids a lesson, but Lilah is proving to be a quick study and I'm already feeling more energetic. More energy means more time playing on the floor with my girl, or cleaning the bathroom that's been neglected for far too long.

I never thought I would be the type of mommy to use this kind of sleep training. But, I'm glad I did and I'm sure we'll use it on the next baby when we fill that he or she is ready for it.

Motherhood

Speaking as a 7 month vet, motherhood is wonderful. It comes with it's challenges, just like anything worth doing does. But those challenges are much like childbirth. I would do anything in that moment to make it stop whether she's teething, or waking up every hour, but as soon as that tooth pops through or she's finally slept longer than 60 minutes I've quickly forgotten how hard that particular phase was, or she gives me her patented 'I'm cute and worth it' smile and I'm willing to do it all over again.

I love every moment I have with her and dream of one day being able to stay home. I want to spend our days making memories, like going to the park, taking Daisy for a much needed walk, re-reading the same book over and over, baking cookies, or playing dress up. My biggest fear is that she'll one day prefer her babysitter over me, or that I'll miss a really big milestone. But that comes with the territory of being a working mom.

I am in awe of her. She is made up o the best parts of both Jeff adn I and we can't get enough of her. I smother her with my love and kisses every chance I get and if I'm realy lucky I get a hug or she presses herself into my neck and just inhales. Those are the moemnts that make the 2:00a.m. feedings and circles under my eyes all worth it.

Lilah's First Trip to the Lake.

Ever since the weather finally transitioned from freezing to scorching, I've been itching to take Lilah to the lake. As a child I spent many weekends at Antelope Lake with my family. I can remember fishing and swimming the day away. The taste of soft molasses cookies and salami and cheese crackers. Falling asleep on the way home after a long day of so much fun and sun.

And I want Lilah to have the same memories.

My parents have a boat now, so we were able to find a private spot with a nice beach and shade. Lilah spent the day being loved on by her parents and grandparents, smelling the smells of the woods and the water, listening to the animals rustling through the brush, tasting sand and taking a cool dip in the lake. Not bad for her first trip the the lake.

5 Months

It's been 5 short months since our little girl entered the world. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. It seems like she has made everything so much more. I'm noticing things that I didn't notice before, as I watch her take it all in, and boy does she. Her little brain is a sponge, just soakin' it all in, and I'm always trying to think of different ways to stimulate that little noggin of hers.

She had her well-baby check up last week and she weighed in at 14lbs, .05oz and 24 and a quarter inches. She's a shorty like her mommy. This appointment included another round of shots which didn't make for a happy baby, but she took them like a champ and thankfully didn't get a fever, she was just very restless that night.

Like every month, this month was full of firsts for her. She has mastered rolling and is even starting to try to get up on her knees. We can't leave her on a blanket on the floor and expect her to be there when we get back. I caught her going for a cord the other day. It must be time to really start baby-proofing this place.

She has started solids, and she loves them. So far she's had yams, green beans, peas, apples, apricots and squash. I'm making the food for her, it's much cheaper and we know exactly what's in it. And she is not picky at all. If she thinks it's grown up food, than it must be good! Yams are still her favorite though.

She's still not sleeping through the night and has recently taken to waking at 3:00a.m. to play. No matter what I do, lights off, no talking...nothing works! If I won't talk to her, she'll just talk to herself. And she gets quite vocal if I leave her alone in her crib. Like, wake the daddy loud. This is one phase I can't wait to pass. Oh...and she only does it on the weekdays....go figure!

Every day is a new adventure with her...

And Today Was Perfection

I started feeling a bit nostalgic as I was putting Lilah to sleep. There was nothing but the whir of the fan and her breathy gulps to keep me company as I rocked and rocked and rocked my sweet girl. And it just hit me how today was another one of those days that I'll want to remember forever. I've had this happen several times since Lilah's birth. I know she won't remember her first year on this earth, but I will.

I'll remember waking up at 5:00a.m. because my busy baby wanted to play instead of eat. I'll remember that the Daddy got up with me and made me waffles and hot coffee.

I'll remember finally getting our little one down for a nap, and finally being alone on the couch with my husband, my head in his lap, watching some t.v.

And I'll remember thinking 'It's been forever since it's been like this for us.'

I'll remember Jeff deciding to throw an impromptu bbq and inviting our parents. Firework show included in the driveway.

I'll remember holding Lilah in my lap, cuddled in a blanket while she watched her first firecracker light up the street.

I'll remember the feeling I got sitting in that lawn chair, watching her take it all in. The weight of her body as she snuggled into me. The boo-boo lip that followed an especially loud pop. Watching as her grandparents looked to her with each and every sparkler so they could see her reaction. She is so lucky to be so loved.

I'll remember the way she fit herself into the curve of my neck when she'd had enough excitement for one day and was ready for some shut eye.

I am so glad I get to be her Mommy. I pinch myself every day because I can't believe how lucky I am that she's mine and I'm hers.

Bye-Bye Manolo?

My husband is one of the most generous people I know. If he hears a want of mine, he always tries to make it happen. It might not happen right away, but eventually Jeff finds a way to make it happen. So, I should have known better all those years ago when I told him I wanted a pair of these shoes. They are beautiful, and over the top and way too expensive. And I love them.

The girl in me who is attracted to beautiful, shiny things and used to spend most Saturday nights dancing next to the dj’s speaker immediately wanted to jump up and down when I opened my gift Monday night. I’m not normally a shoe person, but anyone who looks at these shoes can see that they are extravagant. I spent the evening trying them on, imagining what outfits would look good with them, learning how to walk in them, and just enjoying them.

Then morning came and along with it, a crushing guilt. The trouble is I’m not the same girl who can accept a pair of expensive shoes and just enjoy them. Becoming a wife and mommy has changed me. I no longer pine for a pair of Manolo’s and wish I could spend my nights at some swanky club. I spend my evenings parked on the couch nursing my little girl and reconnecting with my hubby. And I am 100% content with my life.

I just kept thinking about how else the money could have been spent and that they were impractical because I spend more time in pajamas than pretty dresses. I agonized all day long about what do to with these shoes. Should I return them? Do I keep them and just relish in their fabulousness when I do get the chance to wear them?

In the end, my practical side won. I told Jeff I wanted to return them. And in doing so, I think I hurt his feelings, and I know I took all the fun out of his gift. He wanted to do something nice for me because he told me I’m a wonderful mommy and wife and I deserve to have nice things. He planned this for years and finally found a pair that he thought I would like and could use for any outfit that I had. I never wanted to make him feel bad, especially when he was so excited to be able to do this for me.

This morning he gave me the return slip and said to at least not wear them outside or I wouldn’t be able to return them.

On the way to the sitter’s I thought about my ‘problem’. I have a husband who is loving and generous and wants to give me the world. Obviously he can’t give me the world, so he gave me an expensive pair of shoes that he knew I would love. Wow. Wouldn’t everyone love to have my problems?

So, I’ve decided to keep my beautiful, over the top, too expensive shoes. I will wear them with pride because my hubby got them just for me. He planned and he shopped and bought the ones that he thought were just right for me. I may not use them every day, I may not use them once a month. But, I will have girl’s nights or anniversary dinners or weddings to attend and I’ll pull these shoes out and feel special. Just like my hubby wanted me to.

Lilah is 4 months!

If you count by weeks, Lilah is 4 months old today. If you count by months, she won’t be 4 months old until June 1st. Either way you look at it, our baby girl is growing like a weed.

We have had many milestones and adjustments this last month. The biggest being my return to work. The first day was the hardest and I left the sitter’s house in tears and spent my day with my cell phone glued to my hip, anxious for any picture updates I might receive. Thank God for technology. I don’t know what I’d do without my bi-hourly picture texts!

And, we have the best sitter on the planet! My cousin Heather is watching her and not only does she keep my baby clean, fed and content she sends us home with casseroles for dinner and clean clothes in Lilah’s diaper bag. I can’t tell you how nice it is to know that my Monday will be just a little bit less hectic because dinner is already taken care of.

Now on to the fun stuff….Lilah’s accomplishments!

She has rolled over from her tummy to her back once. I know we don’t give her enough ‘tummy time’ and I’m trying to fix that small problem. I’m sure with just a little more time on her belly; she’ll be rolling over like a pro. She has attempted to roll from her back to her tummy, but her arm gets in the way. There have been several times where all the adults in the room suck in their breath because we’re all sure it’s gonna happen any second, but she ends up on her back again and she starts the process all over.

And we have teeth! Just this last Saturday and Sunday Lilah cut her first two bottom teeth. She did great and we hardly knew she was teething. We gave her some baby Orajel, Tylenol or teething tablets if we thought she was uncomfortable. But we really seemed to luck out. She wasn’t very fussy, and aside from a few restless nights she did great. Now she spends her days sucking on her bottom lip and poking her tongue out so she can feel those pearly whites!

She had an impromptu doctor’s appointment last Friday due to an angry rash under a roll in her neck. It was ugly and scary and I felt like bad mommy for missing it for as long as I did, but a little bit of cornstarch cleared it right up. At her appointment they weighed her and she’s 12lbs. 8.5oz’s, which the Dr. said is right on track. She has rolls on her thighs, neck and arms, and they’re adorable. I can’t wait until we finally get some decent weather so I can put her in some cute rompers that show off those chunky legs.

As you can tell, we’re just plugging right along in the Honea household. Lilah is amazing and we can’t imagine our lives without her. She has been the perfect addition to our family and it has been such a blessing to watch her grow.

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

In my last blog entry I wrote about the day we found out we were expecting Lilah. What I didn't mention was that was the very same week the doctors told Gloria there was nothing else they could do for Rick. I've been wanting to write this blog for a while, but I could never seem to find the right words to do it justice. I'm just not as gifted a writer as Jeff, so bare with me.

We had decided to hold off on telling people our happy news until the threat of miscarriage was no longer a worry. But, we knew we wanted our parents to know as soon as possible. So we went to Walmart and bought some bibs for Rick and Gloria to open as a surprise. I think one of them said Grandma Never Says No. It was super cute and we were very excited to tell them they were finally going to have a grandchild in Susanville.

When we got to the house Gloria was downstairs on the treadmill. Rick let her know we were there and she came up to open her present. When she saw the bibs and put two and two together she got teary eyed and asked Jeff if we were serious. At the time, I thought it was because Jeff had played a prank on them before by getting Rick a birthday card that says 'Grandpa' on it.

She waited a few days to tell Jeff about Rick. We were still on a 'baby high' and I think she didn't want to take that away from us. When Jeff told me Rick didn't have much time left I was heartbroken. I was sad for my husband, who was about to lose his dad, and sad for my mother in law who was losing the love of her life at such a young age.

And then I thought about the baby growing in my belly....

I had seen Rick with his other grandchildren and I knew he was an amazing grandpa. I was so angry that our baby was going to miss out on that. She was never going to know what it felt like to ride high on her Grandpa Honea's shoulders, or cuddle with him, or hear silly stories about her Daddy from the man who helped make him who he is today. I just didn't understand why Jeff and I would be given such a beautiful miracle and then in the same week be given such a hard blow.

I'm not one to wax poetic about God or His work in my life. It's just the way I am. But I feel like this needs to be acknowledged because I have never felt His presence in my life more than when I had Lilah. Her birth was incredible, but for more reasons than one. Yes, I had prayed for her. Yes, the love I felt that day was amazing. But I also felt her heal our hearts. Of course she can't fill the huge void that Rick left for all of us, but I think her presence has helped take the sting out. I truly believe that she was Heaven sent, at exactly the right time. God knew that he was giving my family a huge blow and He knew that we would need something happy to cling to. So He gave us Lilah.

And while I'm sad that Rick couldn't be here to carry her on his shoulders and cuddle her or tell her stories, I know that he is present. It's my mission in life to make sure our kids know what a wonderful man their grandpa was and know that he's watching over them even though he's not here in body. And besides, who better to have for a Guardian Angel than One Punch Honea?

Last Year

May 13th, 2009 was the day that Jeff and I found out our lives would be changed forever. It was the day that we found out we were expecting our first child.


I remember buying a pregnancy test the night before, thinking that it was a waste of money because I thought I was going to start any minute. I was crampy and moody and I just knew that 'Aunt Flo' was just around the corner...but she was a few days late, so I figured I'd rather be safe than sorry.


Since we had been trying for so long to get pregnant I had a morning routine when I tested. I would get up and take the test first thing in the morning, but I never looked at it until I got out of the shower. After several months with disappointing results I guess I just liked the extra 10 minutes thinking our dreams might come true this month.


This time was different. For some reason, I just couldn't help myself. I turned the test over and started watching the window. In seconds that beautiful second line appeared. I couldn't believe it! I stared at it for a little longer, just to make sure that I wasn't imagining things. But there it was.


I promptly ran into the bedroom where Jeff was still sleeping and said something like 'I'm pregnant! Oh my God, I'm going to give birth in 8 months!" I think Jeff was a little confused since he was still half asleep, but of course he was happy, and once the news sank in, very excited.

That day seems so far away. After trying for over a year and half I thought it might not happen for us. I am so happy that Lilah is here and she's a happy, cuddling little love. She has brought new meaning to my life and I look at things differently now. I can't imagine our lives without and am so grateful to be fortunate enough to have this little girl in my life.

Breastfeeding: It's Harder than I Thought

****Caution may be TMI for some****

Lilah is 3 months and 3 days old today. That means that I have been breastfeeding for exactly that long, which is a huge milestone.

I always pictured myself being a champion feeder, and producing so much milk I could feed 10 babies. When I was pregnant, and waiting and waiting to go into labor I would sit in her nursery and imagine a little dark haired baby at my breast just gulping away. I was looking forward to the bonding that breastfeeding would bring to me and my little girl. I thought it would be so easy, just like my pregnancy had been. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I tried to feed Lilah for the first time when she was about 2.5 hours old. Bad move. What I should have done was feed her the moment they handed her to me. But of course, hindsight is 20/20. Jeff and I were so excited and anxious to show her off to all of our family that we asked them to come in as soon as we were both cleaned up. I should have taken some time to at least get the baby to latch on. Now, I know better.

When I finally did get a moment to try it out, I couldn't get her to latch right. I had family members in the room and felt very self conscious to let them see that part of my anatomy. My mom told them it wasn't a good time, but they walked right in....what are you gonna do?

Then to my surprise, it turned out I had flat nipples. Before that day, I had no clue such a thing existed. I had never really paid much attention to other women's nipples, and thought that everybody's looked like mine did. Add that to the time wasted after she was first born, and then she couldn't latch because there was nothing for her to hang on to.

I was feeling hormonal from having given birth only hours before, not to mention very guilty because I couldn't feed my baby. So, I let the nurses talk me into giving her a bottle of formula. Knowing what I know now, and understanding breastfeeding is all about supply and demand, I realize that was a big mistake as well, especially with all of the research that I've done since then. Newborn babies aren't meant to hold that much in thier tummies. She didn't need to eat that much on her first few days of life, and I was risking nipple confusion when I already had confusing nipples!

When we got our newborn home and attempted to breastfeed it didn't seem to satisfy her, and then we would give in and give her formula. By then I was exhausted, frustrated and almost ready to just give in and feed her with formula. I would just sit there and cry while my baby screamed and screamed when I would try to give her my breast.

Four days after delivery my milk finally came in and there wasn't very much. I believe it's because I wasn't feeding her as much as I should have been from the very beginning. I found myself looking online for ways to increase my milk supply. I was bad about eating in the beginning. I didn't have time to eat when I was chained to the couch dealing with a fussy, hungry newborn and at that time, my body craved sleep more than food. I had to force myself to put her down and eat and Jeff would make me something if I remembered to ask.

I found myself eating oatmeal because I had heard it could help my supply. I hate oatmeal. Now I eat one to two packets a day, and I've grown accustomed to it. I went to the health store and bought fenugreek, which made me and the baby smell like maple syrup. But combined with the oatmeal, extra fluids, more rest, and time, Lilah seemed to be satisfied after a feeding.

I didn't think that the three of us would survive that first month. I know it wouldn't have been a big deal for her to be a formula baby but I just wanted to give her the very best, and I believe it's breastmilk. I give Jeff a lot of credit for putting up with my mood swings and worry. He has been a big help and has supported my efforts from the very beginning.

It is so satisfying watching Lilah grow and gain weight and to know that my body is still supporting her development. Breastfeeding was an uphill battle for us but it was worth it. I go back to work on Wednesday and I may have to supplement with formula during the hours that I'm away from her, but I plan to continue to breastfeed her for as long as I can.

As silly as it sounds, I can't wait until the next baby comes along. Now I'm a little bit more knowledgable about feeding my babies and I hope it will go much smoother. That first hour after birth will be for family bonding and feeding, no formula will be given unless the Dr. feels it's necessary, and I know about my nipple issue and there are steps I can take before birth to make sure the baby is able to latch.

Tick Tock

There's a clock ticking in my head and each day the ticking gets louder. My maternity leave is coming to an end this month and I am heartbroken. I will never have this much uninterrupted time with my Lilah ever again. I'm sure the next time I get to spend 12 weeks with her will be when the next little Honea graces our home, and by then she'll be more toddler, less baby, and no longer an only child.

I worry so much. I don't worry about the quality of care she'll be receiving because I know it will never be what I want it to be since it won't be coming from me. I worry that she'll wake up from her nap wanting her mommy and I won't be there. I'll be at my stupid job, filing some stupid piece of paper. I worry that she'll think I'm never coming back and that I've abandoned her.

I soak in every smile, every cuddle. I'll be spending more time at my job than I will with my baby. I'm going to miss so many 'firsts'. She changes and learns something new every day and I won't be there to cheer her on.

I keep looking at our finances, trying to figure out a way to make it work if I stay home. I try to rationalize not needing electricity, or cutting back on our cable bill. What if we sold the little car? Who really needs to eat three meals a day?

But, in the end I have to remind myself that in this day and age and in this 'economic climate', it's not only my job to nurture Lilah, it's also my job to support her financially. Oh, but how I wish things could be different for our family.

Loving Lilah

Loving Lilah comes as natural as breathing to me. She is the sweetest thing in my life, and I have fallen hard. I spend my days feeding her, playing with her, simply absorbing everything she does.

I'll admit I was worried during my pregnancy. I've never thought of myself as a maternal person. I did well around babies and small children, but I was only around them for short periods of time. I worried that I wouldn't have that instant connection with my little one. Every mommy talks about that moment when thier child is placed in thier arms, they make eye contact and BAM! Instant unconditional love. What if I didn't like being a mommy?

My worries were put to the rest the day after I gave birth to my daughter. I remember while she was eating, looking down at her and just feeling so full of an overpowering, all encompassing love. It was the most intense feeling I've ever experienced and 9 weeks later I'm still feeling it.

Being Lilah's mommy is easy. Not because she's a perfect baby. There's no such thing. But because I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything. I don't feel like I'm missing out if my girlfriends go see a movie. I'd rather be at home with my girl. I do like to get out every now and again, but most times I take her along with me.

There are times where I have a screaming, wiggling infant demanding my attention and I want to pull out my hair, the dishes aren't done, and there's a pile of laundry on the couch in need of folding. In those moments, I'm praying for a break, but later, when the house is quiet and I get a moment to think, I remind myself that she won't always be this little, her cry won't always sound so small, and she won't always want a snuggle from her mommy, so I'd better soak it up now.

Lilah Grace's Arrival

At my last doctor's appointment I was 1 week overdue with no dialation or effacement. I was feeling pretty discouraged since we left that appointment with an induction scheduled for Wednesday the 3rd. I just wasn't thinking that I would have a February baby.

Saturday evening I started having some mild cramping. It wasn't anything to take note of, and the pains weren't regular. I figured they were just braxton hicks because they went away after a while.

The next day Jeff and I went grocery shopping. I bought a bunch of food to make casseroles and dinners I could freeze since I was supposed to be having a baby on Wednesday. Being the procrastinator that I am, I put off actually cooking everything for Monday since Jeff would be at work and I would be home alone with nothing to do. I had some cramping on and off again, but it wasn't any worse than a menstrual cramp and I figured it was my visit to the grocery store that made things uncomfortable.

Around 6:00p.m. my back started hurting. There again, I didn't think anything of it because lower back pain is just another part of being 41 weeks pregnant. I went out to my parent's house and got in the hot tub for a while, hoping to ease my discomfort. On the way home I started cramping again, this time the pains were sharper, but every time I timed them they were 15-20 minutes apart so I figured they were just braxton hicks again.

The rest of the evening went by uneventfully. Jeff made me dinner and we watched some episodes of The Office on Netflix. I went to bed around 10:00 because the pains were still coming, but again, they weren't regular and they weren't enough to make me say 'ow'.

After an hour and a half of laying in bed up to get in the shower. The water seemed to bring me some relief, the only problem was that I would run out of hot water after about 20 minutes. I kept alternating between the shower and taking a bath, all the while I was cramping off and on.

Jeff finally went to bed around 1:00a.m. That's when I got on the computer and went to the contraction master website. I started timing my pains, but they were so sporadic that I thought for sure it couldn't be true labor, even though they were starting to get more intense.

A couple hours later I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was losing my plug. I think at this point I was in denial because I was still telling myself that I wasn't in labor and I would be pregnant until Wednesday! I decided to try to ignore the pains, which were getting so intense I was having a hard time walking through them.

I crawled into bed around 4:15a.m., and at 4:30 Jeff woke up to me curled in a ball whimpering. He asked me if I thought we should go to the hospital, and after another contraction hit, he decided it was time to go.

Jeff gathered our bags while I got dressed and phoned my mom to tell her it might be baby time. As we were driving the 4 minute drive to the hospital, I had another contraction. This one was so intense that the moment I got out of the car I leaned into the door and vomited in the parking lot. After that there was no doubt in my mind that I was in labor.

After we got some paperwork signed we went to Labor and Delivery. I changed into a gown and they hooked me up to the monitors. Lilah was doing fine and my contractions were coming every 4 minutes apart. They weren't registering very high in intensity. They were only peaking at a six or seven, and I've heard of women having contractions that are off the charts. The nurse mentioned that they may send me home depending on my progress, since they had another woman scheduled for an induction that day, and someone else was already in labor in the room next door. I did not want to go home! The last thing I wanted to do was leave that hospital without my baby.

The nurse checked me, and promptly announced that I wasn't going anywhere because I was dialted to a 5! I was so excited because that meant I was halfway there, and I had labored at home, which is what we wanted. I didn't want to be at the hospital longer than I needed to be. I also told myself I wanted to make it to a 5 before I asked for the epidural. So as soon as she told me how much I had progressed, I asked for the epi. I didn't actually get it until about an hour later because they had to call in the anesthesiologist, and get my IV going with a bag of something to keep me hydrated.

After Joel, the epidural man gave me my medicine, it was smooth sailing. Jeff and I spent our time visiting with our parents and keeping our siblings and friends updated by texting them. Around 10:00 my parents left to go get something to eat. My nurse came in to check me and I was at a 9. I couldn't believe how quickly it had gone by and it was almost time to push! That's when things slowed down. I was checked again around 12:00 and was still stuck at 9 centimeters. Our nurse called the Dr., and suggested Pitocen. I was okay with it since I'd had the epidural, and I didn't want to be stuck at 9 for hours on end. It only took an hour for the medicine to work and it was time to push so they called the Dr., who was next door delivering another baby.

Okay, so this is when I started to freak out. I've seen a baby story and watched women who've had epidurals have their babies without so much as a whimper. That was not the case with me. My epidural had started to wear off, and we were waiting on Joel to come and give me a little bit more to get me through the end. I remember I kept asking for Joel and at one point told Jeff that I didn't want to do it anymore. He offered to grab our bags and we could leave. Funny guy! I could feel the pressure and the contractions and I got to the point where I could feel the contraction coming and I would try to not push because it was so uncomfortable. The nurse was having me push to a count of 10 while she and Jeff held my legs and feet for me. I was able to push four times through each contraction. The first 2 pushes were the most painful, but the last two I couldn't feel and were the most effective. Our Dr. came in and soon after there was my epidural man! I've never been so happy to see someone in my entire life! He gave me a booster, but I could still feel the pressure and the burning when her head started to crown. I started to get a little loud, which I am still embarrassed about, and before I knew it her head was out. The Dr. told me to relax....which is just about impossible by the way..and he suctioned her mouth and nose. Jeff said that she started crying then. I pushed one more time and out she came. They plopped her on my belly and she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. People are right, the pain is forgotten as soon as you see your baby.

Now, almost a month later I still can't believe that our little girl is here and that I made it through childbirth. Jeff and I are so blessed and even though she makes us work harder than we ever thought we would, she's worth it.

What's This? Two in One Week?!

As my due date is fast approaching I’ve started thinking about the things I’m going to miss. Don’t misunderstand me, I can’t wait to meet this baby and give my bladder some relief, but there are also things about this pregnancy that I have enjoyed so much.

First, the anticipation. It started with what will it be a boy or a girl, and has evolved into daydreams of her first real smile, her first words and her first steps. And for now, it’s just anticipating her arrival. I filled out my FMLA paperwork for work today, and I couldn’t complete all of it because we don’t know her birthday yet!

I’ll miss feeling her inside me. It’s irritating to try to sleep through her hiccups at two in the morning, but I have loved watching my belly roll and twitch while she tries to find a comfy position to get into. Especially those first few times when I was the only one who could tell it was her. It was like we already had a secret between the two of us.

And, as crazy as it sounds, I’ll miss the belly! I know I’ve complained about it getting in the way, but that’s usually only at night when I’m trying to sleep. I’ve enjoyed being able to wear clingy clothes and have them look okay because my belly is supposed to fill it out. And I’ve found lately that it makes for a great shelf when needed. :)

I know it’s silly, starting to become nostalgic even though I’m still pregnant. I just know that my time is almost up and I’m trying to appreciate every moment of it because who knows how many more chances I’ll have to experience this again?

Two Weeks Left...Oh My!

We only have two weeks left until my estimated due date and things are starting to come together. Jeff has been working on putting together all of her furniture. We actually just received her changing table last night, and he spent two hours putting it together. I picked out some curtains, and my mom helped me hem them.

I didn’t set out to do this…but her room is pink as a princess’s. When I initially started looking at nursery themes I couldn’t find anything I liked, but I knew I didn’t want anything too pink. I found some cute bedding with polka dots and touches of pink. So, what did I accent it with? Pink! Her curtains are pink and white, the cover on the changing table is pink…you get the picture. Well, it was nighttime when we hung her curtains, and when I woke up in the morning, I noticed a pink glow coming from her room! Oh well, it’s still cute!

As far as how I’m feeling…I’m feeling good. I know I keep saying it, but really I don’t have much to complain about. I get up to use the bathroom a lot, and there are times where I feel very tired, and my hands and feet have started to swell. I still haven’t even felt any kicks to the ribs, which I’m surprised about because I have such a short torso. I guess she’s just a shorty one like her mommy.

My last day of work is the 15th, and our coworkers have decided to throw us a baby shower. I’m looking forward to it, because it’s always fun to get stuff for the baby, and there’ll be cake! I’m a little nervous about leaving work for so long, but I’m mostly excited. I can’t wait to spend that time at home getting my nest ready, and then spending time with the baby once she gets here.

So, that’s it for now. My next doctor appointment is Monday, and we’ll see if I’ve made any progress. I’m thinking that she’ll be late, simply because I don’t feel anywhere close to labor. But, hopefully, my next entry will be all about her birth story!

30 Days to Go!

I can't believe it! 30 days, give or take and this baby will be done cookin'!

I'm anxious and excited and feeling very unprepared. I haven't spent much time around newborns, not since Jesse and Sarah were little, and even then I didn't have much to do with midnight feedings and dirty diapers.

Everyone seems to love telling me to soak up the sleep now....and I keep wondering to myself 'what sleep?' Between the thoughts circling in my head at night, the 6-7 trips to the bathroom, the hip pain, and the fight I'm losing with my belly, when am I getting sleep? I don't mean to be a whiner, but jeez I am starting to get uncomfortable. I'm okay during the day. For the most part, things are quiet, I do make several trips to the bathroom, but it's the night time that I have started to dread. I can't seem to catch my breath because baby is pushing on my lungs, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like there's an elephant sitting on my chest because I'm lying on my back!

Christmas shopping this weekend was quite an adventure as well. Never mind the 8 million people that were driving crazy, or pushing through the crowds. I had to overcome bathroom trips, swift kicks or punches to my cervix, and that overall heavy feeling I get lately. I haven't gained much weight, but the way I'm caring, I feel like I've gained 50 lbs. I would walk past two or three stores at the mall and start to get winded. I keep telling Jeff that I don't know how the morbidly obese handle it. I can't wait to get this weight off of me or should I say out of me....just so I can function again.

And now for the good stuff....Jeff finished painting the nursery! It took a month, but it's finally done. We haven't put anything in there yet. I'm waiting until after the holidays to do that. I still want to steam clean the carpet, and that will take a little time for it to dry since it's too cold to open windows. This next pay day is dedicated to ordering curtains and other little odds and ends that will make her room complete. I'm looking forward to having it done, but since we got the bassinet put together, I don't feel like I'm totally unprepared. She won't be sleeping in her room for the first few weeks anyway, so even if I went into labor next week, it wouldn't be a big deal if her room isn't done.

And..we went to our birth class. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was long...and didn't really offer much more new information. It promoted 'natural' childbirth. I was disappointed that they didn't go into more detail about emergency c-sections or different pain relievers. I know that the whole point for the class is to teach you to cope without those things, but the reality is, not everyone will be able to handle the pain. I guess I just felt like they shouldn't push one idea and should at least try to cover the other 'what if's.'

So, now I'm just working on getting through Christmas. I know that sounds bad, but really it's just another milestone for me on my way to babyland. I really couldn't have cared less if we put the tree up or exchanged gifts. It sounds horrible, and my mom likes to tell me I wish my life away, but I just want to meet my little girl already! I'm done waiting!

7 Weeks and Counting....

Okay, I guess at 33 weeks, the time has come. I am definitely feeling pregnant these days. It’s still not as bad as all of the horror stories I’ve heard, but if I had a nickel for every time I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I could retire at 25!

Last night has been the worst so far. I didn’t actually keep count, but I went to bed around 10:00p.m., and needed to visit the bathroom every 1-1.5 hours after that. Then while I’m stumbling to the bathroom with no lights on, I realize that I’m thirsty. So I get a drink of water, and before I know it, I’m rolling out of bed to do my business again. And to top it all off, the dog woke me up last night so I let her out, and she didn’t even go potty. She just stood there and ate grass. Needless to say, I was not in a stellar mood this morning and actually hit the snooze button instead of getting up at my regular time. Of course, that’s after I went to the bathroom when the alarm went off the first time….

I told Jeff last night that I’m starting to feel like a rollie pollie. I can’t actually sit up to get out of bed, I sort of do this half roll thing and grab onto the fitted sheet to pull myself up. Then, there’s trying to get off our couch. For some reason, my usual seat is the hardest one for me to wiggle out of. I’ve taken to sitting in the middle of the couch because I don’t feel so sunk in, which means less work trying to get up. Even then, I have to scoot to the edge of the seat and push up with my fists just to get up to…you guessed it….go pee!

Really though, I haven’t had much pain yet. I do feel like my ribs are starting to spread. They’re just sore most of the time. And this little girl seems to enjoy stretching, so it feels like she’s pushing on my bladder and making it impossible to breathe all at the same time. And, depending on how the baby sits, my right thigh has started going numb. It’s not painful, just a weird sensation. It doesn’t last long, especially if she shifts, but she must be pressing on something in there. I’m just glad it’s numb and not sciatica pain, which I’ve had before when I wasn’t pregnant and that’s no fun. I can’t imagine dealing with that on top of every other symptom pregnancy throws at you.

So, all in all I know I must me making progress and she must be getting bigger because I feel like there’s not much more room in there for her. We only have 7 weeks left until the estimated D-Day, and part of me feels like we’re no where close to being ready, while the other part of me just wants to get her out so I can cuddle her…and breathe again.