It's Been A While

My poor blog has been neglected for far too long. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just that I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a cohesive and thoughtful essay.

With the impending arrival of our son, I've gone back and forth between excitement and total panic.

I'm excited to have the chance to enjoy another newborn. When Lilah was born I was so nervous about every grunt, giggle or fart that I didn't have a chance to sit back and enjoy her. I wasn't prepared for the work that comes with breastfeeding. There were times where I felt like a prisoner in my own home, chained to the couch with a newborn at my breast. It felt like I would just get done nursing her, burping her, and changing her and we would have to start the process all over again. I couldn't remember the last time I had showered, or brushed my teeth. And daytime television is a nightmare.

That time in my life feels so blurry. I know it happened, but I can't push past the fog of exhaustion to bring any one memory into focus.

I'm hopeful that this time around will be a little bit easier. I think I'll be more prepared because I've done it already. Now that I've lived through it, people tell me that Lilah was an unusual newborn and very high maintenance. Hopefully, this little guy will let me get a little bit more sleep and will be content to spend a few minutes in his swing or on the boppy.

Along with the excitement comes this feeling of doom. I'm not so naive as to think that two kids only means twice the work. I'm sure it means 100 times the work. I'm worried about the impact this will have on Lilah. I know that adjusting to a new sibling will take some time for her, but I'm also worried about what it will do to our relationship. She is a Momma's girl through and through, and I selfishly don't want that to change. I like that I'm the one she goes to for comfort, or follows me through the house, mimicking everything I do. I'm worried that she'll feel like I don't have time for anymore, or that she'll feel replaced.

I guess I just want my world to be perfect, and to somehow find the time to be the best parent to both my children.