My Granny died on Friday. It's something I've been trying to prepare myself for since we moved her into a rest home in February of this year. It's been hard, because aside from my mother, she was my biggest fan. Her love has always been unconditional, and freely given. I have such wonderful memories of growing up in her house and surrounded by her love.

I will remember

the way it felt to have her fingers play with my hair. And the tears in her eyes after I chopped it all off when I graduated high school.

picking blackberries at Seneca.

how to make paper dolls.

her patience when she let me play with all of her costume jewelry.

the smell of Virginia Slims on any paperback book she let me borrow.

playing in the gulley in her backyard.

the time she took me to a bulk candy store and let me pick out whatever I wanted.

Calgon in my bathwater.

how she used to catch frogs for me to play with.

how she kept every treasure I ever gave her, and put it in the black pot hanging on her book case.

Horse pills. (vitamins)

flower ballerinas - I can't wait to show Lilah how to do this.

Quilts

watching the hummingbirds on the front porch.

the guilt I felt when I picked one of her flowers...I buried it in the dirt because I couldn't bring myself to tell her I'd done it.

watching the Grand Ole Opry and Mandrell Sisters when I stayed the night.

Her banana bread.

The way she said shit - like it had two syllables instead of one.

How anything purple caught her eye.

How even when I outgrew her lap, she still let me sit next to her, with my head in her lap. I think I did this until I was 16.

But most of all, I'll remember how she loved me. Her eyes lit up when I came in the room, and maybe she was like that with all of her family, but it made me feel special.

After she passed, I had a moment alone with her and I told her I wasn't going to be sad because I knew she was happy and with her sister and Poppa.....and as hard as I'm trying to keep that promise, I'm finding out that I'm a big fat liar.

It's Been A While

My poor blog has been neglected for far too long. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just that I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a cohesive and thoughtful essay.

With the impending arrival of our son, I've gone back and forth between excitement and total panic.

I'm excited to have the chance to enjoy another newborn. When Lilah was born I was so nervous about every grunt, giggle or fart that I didn't have a chance to sit back and enjoy her. I wasn't prepared for the work that comes with breastfeeding. There were times where I felt like a prisoner in my own home, chained to the couch with a newborn at my breast. It felt like I would just get done nursing her, burping her, and changing her and we would have to start the process all over again. I couldn't remember the last time I had showered, or brushed my teeth. And daytime television is a nightmare.

That time in my life feels so blurry. I know it happened, but I can't push past the fog of exhaustion to bring any one memory into focus.

I'm hopeful that this time around will be a little bit easier. I think I'll be more prepared because I've done it already. Now that I've lived through it, people tell me that Lilah was an unusual newborn and very high maintenance. Hopefully, this little guy will let me get a little bit more sleep and will be content to spend a few minutes in his swing or on the boppy.

Along with the excitement comes this feeling of doom. I'm not so naive as to think that two kids only means twice the work. I'm sure it means 100 times the work. I'm worried about the impact this will have on Lilah. I know that adjusting to a new sibling will take some time for her, but I'm also worried about what it will do to our relationship. She is a Momma's girl through and through, and I selfishly don't want that to change. I like that I'm the one she goes to for comfort, or follows me through the house, mimicking everything I do. I'm worried that she'll feel like I don't have time for anymore, or that she'll feel replaced.

I guess I just want my world to be perfect, and to somehow find the time to be the best parent to both my children.