Breastfeeding: It's Harder than I Thought

****Caution may be TMI for some****

Lilah is 3 months and 3 days old today. That means that I have been breastfeeding for exactly that long, which is a huge milestone.

I always pictured myself being a champion feeder, and producing so much milk I could feed 10 babies. When I was pregnant, and waiting and waiting to go into labor I would sit in her nursery and imagine a little dark haired baby at my breast just gulping away. I was looking forward to the bonding that breastfeeding would bring to me and my little girl. I thought it would be so easy, just like my pregnancy had been. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I tried to feed Lilah for the first time when she was about 2.5 hours old. Bad move. What I should have done was feed her the moment they handed her to me. But of course, hindsight is 20/20. Jeff and I were so excited and anxious to show her off to all of our family that we asked them to come in as soon as we were both cleaned up. I should have taken some time to at least get the baby to latch on. Now, I know better.

When I finally did get a moment to try it out, I couldn't get her to latch right. I had family members in the room and felt very self conscious to let them see that part of my anatomy. My mom told them it wasn't a good time, but they walked right in....what are you gonna do?

Then to my surprise, it turned out I had flat nipples. Before that day, I had no clue such a thing existed. I had never really paid much attention to other women's nipples, and thought that everybody's looked like mine did. Add that to the time wasted after she was first born, and then she couldn't latch because there was nothing for her to hang on to.

I was feeling hormonal from having given birth only hours before, not to mention very guilty because I couldn't feed my baby. So, I let the nurses talk me into giving her a bottle of formula. Knowing what I know now, and understanding breastfeeding is all about supply and demand, I realize that was a big mistake as well, especially with all of the research that I've done since then. Newborn babies aren't meant to hold that much in thier tummies. She didn't need to eat that much on her first few days of life, and I was risking nipple confusion when I already had confusing nipples!

When we got our newborn home and attempted to breastfeed it didn't seem to satisfy her, and then we would give in and give her formula. By then I was exhausted, frustrated and almost ready to just give in and feed her with formula. I would just sit there and cry while my baby screamed and screamed when I would try to give her my breast.

Four days after delivery my milk finally came in and there wasn't very much. I believe it's because I wasn't feeding her as much as I should have been from the very beginning. I found myself looking online for ways to increase my milk supply. I was bad about eating in the beginning. I didn't have time to eat when I was chained to the couch dealing with a fussy, hungry newborn and at that time, my body craved sleep more than food. I had to force myself to put her down and eat and Jeff would make me something if I remembered to ask.

I found myself eating oatmeal because I had heard it could help my supply. I hate oatmeal. Now I eat one to two packets a day, and I've grown accustomed to it. I went to the health store and bought fenugreek, which made me and the baby smell like maple syrup. But combined with the oatmeal, extra fluids, more rest, and time, Lilah seemed to be satisfied after a feeding.

I didn't think that the three of us would survive that first month. I know it wouldn't have been a big deal for her to be a formula baby but I just wanted to give her the very best, and I believe it's breastmilk. I give Jeff a lot of credit for putting up with my mood swings and worry. He has been a big help and has supported my efforts from the very beginning.

It is so satisfying watching Lilah grow and gain weight and to know that my body is still supporting her development. Breastfeeding was an uphill battle for us but it was worth it. I go back to work on Wednesday and I may have to supplement with formula during the hours that I'm away from her, but I plan to continue to breastfeed her for as long as I can.

As silly as it sounds, I can't wait until the next baby comes along. Now I'm a little bit more knowledgable about feeding my babies and I hope it will go much smoother. That first hour after birth will be for family bonding and feeding, no formula will be given unless the Dr. feels it's necessary, and I know about my nipple issue and there are steps I can take before birth to make sure the baby is able to latch.

Tick Tock

There's a clock ticking in my head and each day the ticking gets louder. My maternity leave is coming to an end this month and I am heartbroken. I will never have this much uninterrupted time with my Lilah ever again. I'm sure the next time I get to spend 12 weeks with her will be when the next little Honea graces our home, and by then she'll be more toddler, less baby, and no longer an only child.

I worry so much. I don't worry about the quality of care she'll be receiving because I know it will never be what I want it to be since it won't be coming from me. I worry that she'll wake up from her nap wanting her mommy and I won't be there. I'll be at my stupid job, filing some stupid piece of paper. I worry that she'll think I'm never coming back and that I've abandoned her.

I soak in every smile, every cuddle. I'll be spending more time at my job than I will with my baby. I'm going to miss so many 'firsts'. She changes and learns something new every day and I won't be there to cheer her on.

I keep looking at our finances, trying to figure out a way to make it work if I stay home. I try to rationalize not needing electricity, or cutting back on our cable bill. What if we sold the little car? Who really needs to eat three meals a day?

But, in the end I have to remind myself that in this day and age and in this 'economic climate', it's not only my job to nurture Lilah, it's also my job to support her financially. Oh, but how I wish things could be different for our family.

Loving Lilah

Loving Lilah comes as natural as breathing to me. She is the sweetest thing in my life, and I have fallen hard. I spend my days feeding her, playing with her, simply absorbing everything she does.

I'll admit I was worried during my pregnancy. I've never thought of myself as a maternal person. I did well around babies and small children, but I was only around them for short periods of time. I worried that I wouldn't have that instant connection with my little one. Every mommy talks about that moment when thier child is placed in thier arms, they make eye contact and BAM! Instant unconditional love. What if I didn't like being a mommy?

My worries were put to the rest the day after I gave birth to my daughter. I remember while she was eating, looking down at her and just feeling so full of an overpowering, all encompassing love. It was the most intense feeling I've ever experienced and 9 weeks later I'm still feeling it.

Being Lilah's mommy is easy. Not because she's a perfect baby. There's no such thing. But because I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything. I don't feel like I'm missing out if my girlfriends go see a movie. I'd rather be at home with my girl. I do like to get out every now and again, but most times I take her along with me.

There are times where I have a screaming, wiggling infant demanding my attention and I want to pull out my hair, the dishes aren't done, and there's a pile of laundry on the couch in need of folding. In those moments, I'm praying for a break, but later, when the house is quiet and I get a moment to think, I remind myself that she won't always be this little, her cry won't always sound so small, and she won't always want a snuggle from her mommy, so I'd better soak it up now.