Liam Kade - A Birth Story

On Friday, May 13th, 2010, I took a pregnancy test and saw two pink lines. Jeff and I weren't actively trying to get pregnant, but welcomed the thought of another baby whenever it happened. Coincidentally, May 13th was the same day we found out we were expecting Lilah, two years earlier.

After we got the positive pregnancy test, I looked at my 15 month old daughter drinking her milk and watching Sesame St. and had a moment of panic. I cried and hyperventilated a little. I wasn't ready for her to not be the 'baby' anymore. She was such a fussy baby in those first few months and I wasn't sure I was ready for all that work and a toddler. Jeff reminded me that she would be much older by the time this baby arrived and I was able to relax and enjoy the moment.

In August we were finally able to schedule the much anticipated gender ultrasound. I was betting on a boy, but I think everyone else thought it would be a girl because Jeff's brother had four daughters before his first son was born. The technician was having a hard time getting the baby to cooperate, but after some prodding and poking he announced that we were having a baby boy. Of course everyone was excited for us, and started talking about having the 'perfect' family.

At my next doctor's appointment I was told that the baby was showing an abnormality with his kidneys. He said they were enlarged, but it was very common in male babies and it would probably be normal by the time he was born. I was sent for a follow up ultrasound, and since it showed no change, we had to be seen by a Specialist in Reno. It was a stressful situation, compounded by the fact that I had been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I was incredibly overwhelmed. My pregnancy with Lilah was text book perfect and I assumed that this pregnancy would be just the same. I only told close family about the baby's kidneys and my Diabetes. I felt like these problems were my fault and I didn't want others judging me.

On January 6th, two weeks before my due date, we had another appointment with the Specialist in Reno. We found out that the baby's kidneys were better, but not 100%. The doctor also noticed that his abdomen was measuring small for his gestational age, and they recommended an induction by 39 weeks.

The following day I had an appointment with my regular OB. He agreed with the Specialist and scheduled an induction for Wednesday, January 11th. I was promptly taken off of work and sent home to rest. I went into full nesting mode. Grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, all the while trying to wrap my head around the fact that a new baby would be in our home in a matter of days.

The day before my scheduled induction I had to go to the hospital for one last ultrasound and non-stress test. I had had three other sessions in the last two weeks. Since the baby was measuring small, they wanted to make sure he was still doing okay. The ultrasound technician was a very bubbly young blonde who promptly announced that my baby was transverse. He was lying sidways, with his back facing the exit. When she found out I was scheduled for an induction the next day, she promptly called my doctor and scheduled me for one last ultrasound, just hours before I was supposed to surrender myself to the hospital.

The doctor called me at home and discussed the possibilities of a c-section if the baby didn't turn in time, or trying to turn him manually, which posed risks as well.

By this time, my stress levels were through the roof. I couldn't believe that this was happening. When I found out we were expecting this baby, I dreamily thought of having a labor similar to Lilah's. Slowly transitioning from one stage to another, until finally, the baby was here. I felt like all of that was being taken away from me and I was doomed for surgery.

At 4:00 p.m., 4 hours before I was scheduled to be at the hospital for my induction, I had one final ultrasound and non stress test. The same bubbily, blonde technician happily announced that the baby had turned on his own! I was so relieved.

Later, we dropped Lilah and her suitcase off with Grandma Honea. I said my goodbye's knowing it wasn't going to be just me and my girl anymore. I was both excited and worried about this transition, but I knew that we would find our groove and Lilah would soon have a best friend who just happened to be her little brother.

I made Jeff take me to Mazatlan Grill for what I jokingly referred to as my last meal. I know it wasn't exactly on the Gestational Diabetes diet, but I figured that the baby only had a few more hours left inutero, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

We drove to the hospital, bags and pillows in hand where we were recieved with warm smiles and exictement. I will say that Banner has the best OB nurses. They have each seen hundreds of babies delivered, but they still treat you and your experience like it's special.

I was quickly given a hospital gown and had an IV started. The plan was to start the induction at 9:00p.m., with Cervadil and a sleeping pill. The doctor would come in the following morning and break my water and I would have the baby sometime that afternoon. Unfortunately, my body had other plans.

The doctor came in very early in the morning to check my progress, but my cervix had done nothing since I'd been given the medicine. I was only 1 centemeter dilated, and he needed me to be at least 3 to break my water. The decision was made to give me another Cervadil and the doctor would check on me later in the day.

The Cervadil made me crampy, but I wasn't having what I would call contractions. They were located in one area, and just felt like pressure. The nurses were checking on me rather frequently and we later found out that the baby wasn't tolerating the contraction's the way they wanted. They had me eat a snack and gave me some fluid to hydrate me and he started doing much better.

Around 4:00 p.m., the doctor came to check me. I was in a lot of pain at that point, but it still didn't feel like a regular contraction. The worst part was that I was hooked up to all the monitors and they needed me in one position so they could get a read on how the baby was doing. When the doctor checked me, Jeff and I were both disappointed to be told that there was no change in my cervix and I was still stuck at 1. The nurses had warned me about failed inducitons and I thought they would send me home. The doctor suggested not giving me any more medicine and letting me eat a regular dinner, and getting rest and he would try again first thing in the morning. Jeff and I agreed, and Jeff left to get me some dinner. He even smuggled me in some cookies. I think he could tell I was starting to get upset over all that was happening.

We spent a restless night in the hospital, and even heard another baby being born. Very early in the morning, the doctor came and placed another Cervidil near my cervix. He left and I began again with my 'non contraction' contractions.

Around 12:30 that afternoon the doctor came to check my progress. I was at a three. Finally! He broke my water and that was a painful and surprisingly embarrassing experience. I never felt my water break with my last delivery, and it felt like I was wetting the bed and I had zero control over it.

The started the Pitocen and we were in full swing. I asked for my epidural, since I was told the epidural man would be working in a surgery and wouldn't be available until later. He was a friendly guy and soon I was leaning against Jeff while he was sticking a huge needle in my back. I had a contraction while he was working on me and my water went everywhere. On the bed, on floor, possibly on Jeff's shoes. It was hard not to move, but the doctor kept warning me over and over again to stay still. I felt the medicine go down my back, but I knew something was wrong because I only felt it travel down one leg. I told the doctor and he had me lay on one side, hoping gravity would help move the medicine to where it needed to be.

An hour later, the medicine still wasn't blocking the pain on one side. It almost felt worse since the pain was localized to my right side. The anesthesiologist came to check on me and brought a different guy to attempt a second epidural. Before this, my nurse checked my cervix and I was still at a 3.

Once again I was propped up, leaning into Jeff as they replaced my epidural. I think it was around 3:00p.m. at this point and the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. Again, I only felt the medicine travel down one leg. The guy was stumped and again had me lay on my side to encourage the medicine to work with gravity. It didn't work and by this time I was having one contraction on top of another. The medicine eventually stopped working all together and I could feel everything. I wasn't prepared for the amount of pain I was in. Poor Jeff was trying to encourage me, and I told him to shut up. It's not a moment I'm proud of and I could tell I made him angry, but I was just trying desperately to find a 'happy place'. I kept thinking I was only 3 centimeters and there was no way I was going to make it through transition and pushing if it hurt this bad so soon into labor.

The nurse offered to call for another epidural, but I felt like it was pointless and I wasn't confident I would be able to stay still through the procedure. They put me on oxygen and I held both of Jeff's hands and kept eye contact with him through each contraction. I vaguely remember an episode of How I Met Your Mother playing on the t.v.

Around 4:00p.m. I announced to my nurse that I had had enough. I was done. I was physically exhausted and ready to throw in the towel. I think Jeff thought I was asking for a c-section, but I wanted to ask them to turn off the pitocen and give me a chance to contract on my own. I thought the reason I was in so much pain was because of the medicine they were giving me.

As the nurse walked away to call the doctor I told her I could feel pressure. She checked me and I was at 10 centimeters. Hearing that gave me renewed energy because I knew the end was near. She asked me not to push if I could, and ran to call the doctor. So, I panted, and panted, trying hard not to push, and maybe sneaking in a small push here and there just to alleviate the urge to push.

They asked me to move so I was straight on the bed, but I felt like I couldn't manage. At that point the doctor walked in, gowned up and said I was fine where I was. I was given the go ahead to push.....and it felt AMAZING. All the pain was gone. I pushed once, twice, three times and suddenly he was here. They placed him on my belly and I fell in love instantly.

Liam Kade came into this world at 4:21p.m., weighing 7lbs 8oz., hardly the malnourished baby we were expecting.

He was and still is perfect. Our transition from one to two children has had some bumps, but I think we have done very well. Lilah loves her little brother and it's my hope they'll always be close.

While this pregnancy was stressful and full of worry, I'm grateful we have a healthy baby boy and would do it all over again just to have him here.

My Granny died on Friday. It's something I've been trying to prepare myself for since we moved her into a rest home in February of this year. It's been hard, because aside from my mother, she was my biggest fan. Her love has always been unconditional, and freely given. I have such wonderful memories of growing up in her house and surrounded by her love.

I will remember

the way it felt to have her fingers play with my hair. And the tears in her eyes after I chopped it all off when I graduated high school.

picking blackberries at Seneca.

how to make paper dolls.

her patience when she let me play with all of her costume jewelry.

the smell of Virginia Slims on any paperback book she let me borrow.

playing in the gulley in her backyard.

the time she took me to a bulk candy store and let me pick out whatever I wanted.

Calgon in my bathwater.

how she used to catch frogs for me to play with.

how she kept every treasure I ever gave her, and put it in the black pot hanging on her book case.

Horse pills. (vitamins)

flower ballerinas - I can't wait to show Lilah how to do this.

Quilts

watching the hummingbirds on the front porch.

the guilt I felt when I picked one of her flowers...I buried it in the dirt because I couldn't bring myself to tell her I'd done it.

watching the Grand Ole Opry and Mandrell Sisters when I stayed the night.

Her banana bread.

The way she said shit - like it had two syllables instead of one.

How anything purple caught her eye.

How even when I outgrew her lap, she still let me sit next to her, with my head in her lap. I think I did this until I was 16.

But most of all, I'll remember how she loved me. Her eyes lit up when I came in the room, and maybe she was like that with all of her family, but it made me feel special.

After she passed, I had a moment alone with her and I told her I wasn't going to be sad because I knew she was happy and with her sister and Poppa.....and as hard as I'm trying to keep that promise, I'm finding out that I'm a big fat liar.

It's Been A While

My poor blog has been neglected for far too long. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just that I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a cohesive and thoughtful essay.

With the impending arrival of our son, I've gone back and forth between excitement and total panic.

I'm excited to have the chance to enjoy another newborn. When Lilah was born I was so nervous about every grunt, giggle or fart that I didn't have a chance to sit back and enjoy her. I wasn't prepared for the work that comes with breastfeeding. There were times where I felt like a prisoner in my own home, chained to the couch with a newborn at my breast. It felt like I would just get done nursing her, burping her, and changing her and we would have to start the process all over again. I couldn't remember the last time I had showered, or brushed my teeth. And daytime television is a nightmare.

That time in my life feels so blurry. I know it happened, but I can't push past the fog of exhaustion to bring any one memory into focus.

I'm hopeful that this time around will be a little bit easier. I think I'll be more prepared because I've done it already. Now that I've lived through it, people tell me that Lilah was an unusual newborn and very high maintenance. Hopefully, this little guy will let me get a little bit more sleep and will be content to spend a few minutes in his swing or on the boppy.

Along with the excitement comes this feeling of doom. I'm not so naive as to think that two kids only means twice the work. I'm sure it means 100 times the work. I'm worried about the impact this will have on Lilah. I know that adjusting to a new sibling will take some time for her, but I'm also worried about what it will do to our relationship. She is a Momma's girl through and through, and I selfishly don't want that to change. I like that I'm the one she goes to for comfort, or follows me through the house, mimicking everything I do. I'm worried that she'll feel like I don't have time for anymore, or that she'll feel replaced.

I guess I just want my world to be perfect, and to somehow find the time to be the best parent to both my children.

Our Journey to a Restful Night

I normally don't discuss controversial topics on my blog. I don't want this page to turn into someone's platform. I just want it to be a place where I can brag about my girl, or share a yummy recipe.

That being said, Jeff and I decided to try the 'Cry It Out' approach to Lilah's bedtime routine.

Earlier this month we decided to make a change in our daycare situation. Heather was a great babysitter, but her location wasn't ideal. I left the house 40 minutes before work and got home closer to 6:00p.m. Couple that with frequent nighttime feedings, and I was exhausted.

Our good friend Sonja recommended her daycare provider. Her name is Sally. She's English and has been doing daycare all her working life. We went to check out her home, and it looks more like a preschool than a residence. At most she has 14 children, and two helpers. She lives in town and will be relocating to a block away from our work next month. That will cut my commute time by 35 minutes, and we'll only have to gas up the Rav once every two weeks instead of once or twice a week.

We liked everything about the daycare we chose, except that Lilah wasn't taking naps. At first I figured it was because she was in a new place and was trying to adjust. Since she wasn't napping, she was coming home overtired and cranky. She was waking in the night at least 3 or 4 times just wanting to comfort nurse. Of course all of this was happening while Jeff was away in training, so there was no chance for us to take shifts.

I asked Jeff to stop by the bookstore on his way out of Reno and pick up anything he could find on an easy way to get this kid to sleep. The books he came home with were great, but they seemed to be geared more toward the mothers who were able to stay at home and implement these practices 24 hours a day.

That night, Lilah was awake 3 times. She and I had matching rings under our eyes when we woke up the next morning. I just hit a wall. The last month or so has been challenging with Lilah not sleeping, my back not being quite healed yet, my boss anxious for me to be the Assistant she had before I became a mother...I had just had enough. I knew if I wanted to be a good wife and mommy, then I needed to get some real rest.

That morning for naptime I nursed Lilah, cuddled with her and then placed her in her crib awake. She cried....she screamed....she got that awful hiccup that every girl knows makes us feel like we aren't getting enough oxygen.

We checked on her at 5 minutes, then at 10, and again at 15....until 80 minutes later there was nothing but blessed silence.

The afternoon nap was the same, except she only cried for 40 minutes.

That evening, it only took 15 minutes and she slept for a 6 hour stretch. She hasn't done that she she got her first set of vaccinations.

It's been 5 days since we started this technique, and she fusses for 5 minutes and then she's off in dreamland. The night before last I didn't hear a peep out of her until 5:00a.m.

I'm sure a lot of mommies out there are wondering how I could just let my baby scream like that. My answer is - it wasn't easy, but it wasn't heartbreaking either. Lilah is of an age that she knows her mommy and daddy are only a room away. She had been fed, cuddled and had a clean diaper. She was just spitting mad and had no other way to express herself.

I now know that I have given her a valuable tool. She will no longer have to rely on me to nurse herself to sleep. She will eventually be able to take naps at daycare and come home well rested and ready to spend her evening playing with her parents.

There were many times in that first hour that I thought I was doing the wrong thing. I almost gave up and went and picked her up several times. I am so glad that Jeff and I stuck to our guns. It's hard to teach our kids a lesson, but Lilah is proving to be a quick study and I'm already feeling more energetic. More energy means more time playing on the floor with my girl, or cleaning the bathroom that's been neglected for far too long.

I never thought I would be the type of mommy to use this kind of sleep training. But, I'm glad I did and I'm sure we'll use it on the next baby when we fill that he or she is ready for it.

Motherhood

Speaking as a 7 month vet, motherhood is wonderful. It comes with it's challenges, just like anything worth doing does. But those challenges are much like childbirth. I would do anything in that moment to make it stop whether she's teething, or waking up every hour, but as soon as that tooth pops through or she's finally slept longer than 60 minutes I've quickly forgotten how hard that particular phase was, or she gives me her patented 'I'm cute and worth it' smile and I'm willing to do it all over again.

I love every moment I have with her and dream of one day being able to stay home. I want to spend our days making memories, like going to the park, taking Daisy for a much needed walk, re-reading the same book over and over, baking cookies, or playing dress up. My biggest fear is that she'll one day prefer her babysitter over me, or that I'll miss a really big milestone. But that comes with the territory of being a working mom.

I am in awe of her. She is made up o the best parts of both Jeff adn I and we can't get enough of her. I smother her with my love and kisses every chance I get and if I'm realy lucky I get a hug or she presses herself into my neck and just inhales. Those are the moemnts that make the 2:00a.m. feedings and circles under my eyes all worth it.

Lilah's First Trip to the Lake.

Ever since the weather finally transitioned from freezing to scorching, I've been itching to take Lilah to the lake. As a child I spent many weekends at Antelope Lake with my family. I can remember fishing and swimming the day away. The taste of soft molasses cookies and salami and cheese crackers. Falling asleep on the way home after a long day of so much fun and sun.

And I want Lilah to have the same memories.

My parents have a boat now, so we were able to find a private spot with a nice beach and shade. Lilah spent the day being loved on by her parents and grandparents, smelling the smells of the woods and the water, listening to the animals rustling through the brush, tasting sand and taking a cool dip in the lake. Not bad for her first trip the the lake.

5 Months

It's been 5 short months since our little girl entered the world. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. It seems like she has made everything so much more. I'm noticing things that I didn't notice before, as I watch her take it all in, and boy does she. Her little brain is a sponge, just soakin' it all in, and I'm always trying to think of different ways to stimulate that little noggin of hers.

She had her well-baby check up last week and she weighed in at 14lbs, .05oz and 24 and a quarter inches. She's a shorty like her mommy. This appointment included another round of shots which didn't make for a happy baby, but she took them like a champ and thankfully didn't get a fever, she was just very restless that night.

Like every month, this month was full of firsts for her. She has mastered rolling and is even starting to try to get up on her knees. We can't leave her on a blanket on the floor and expect her to be there when we get back. I caught her going for a cord the other day. It must be time to really start baby-proofing this place.

She has started solids, and she loves them. So far she's had yams, green beans, peas, apples, apricots and squash. I'm making the food for her, it's much cheaper and we know exactly what's in it. And she is not picky at all. If she thinks it's grown up food, than it must be good! Yams are still her favorite though.

She's still not sleeping through the night and has recently taken to waking at 3:00a.m. to play. No matter what I do, lights off, no talking...nothing works! If I won't talk to her, she'll just talk to herself. And she gets quite vocal if I leave her alone in her crib. Like, wake the daddy loud. This is one phase I can't wait to pass. Oh...and she only does it on the weekdays....go figure!

Every day is a new adventure with her...